Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Just to be with you...

11:05pm. I'm sitting here, and you're somewhere. And I can't do anything but think of you. So here's my note to you, my love...

I still remember that day we met, the very second that I first laid eyes on you. And I remember stumbling over my words, speechless, instantly captivated by you. I remember falling asleep to that beautiful music playing in the background, and knowing that I had never in my life felt so at peace. So perfectly loved. And I remember that you fell asleep and I just looked at you, watching you sleep. And I shed a tear or two. Simply overcome by you. Do you know just how much I am in love with you? You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last thought on my heart when I close my eyes at night. You are everything to me.

I can't imagine my life without you in it now. I have done so much to choose you, I hope you see. I've sacrificed and let go, and now I'm yours. I would give anything to have you here with me right now. I wish I could just hold your face in my hands again. There's just something about you. I know I tell you everyday, but I hope you know more than anything, just how completely in love with you I am.
Goodnight, Andrew.

"I've been alone so many nights now,
And I've been waiting for the stars to fall.
I keep holding out for what I don't know
To be with you, just to be with you.

So here I am staring at the moon tonight,
Wondering how you look in this light.
Maybe you're somewhere thinking about me too.
To be with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do.

And I can't imagine two worlds spinning apart
Come together eventually.
And when we finally meet, I'll know it's right.
I'll be at the end of my restless road.
But this journey, it was worth the fight.
To be with you, just to be with you..."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Anything to be with you...

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Every time you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

Ryan Cabrera - True

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Mine.

You were in college working part-time, waiting tables
Left a small town and never looked back
I was a flight risk, with the fear of falling
Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts...

I say, "Can you believe it?"
As we're lying on the couch
The moment, I can see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now...

Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Flash forward, and we're taking on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learned my secrets and you figured out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes

But we got bills to pay
We got nothing figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes
This is what I thought about:

Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

And I remember that fight, 2:30AM
You said everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye, 'cause that's all I've ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, "I'll never leave you alone."

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water.
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time.
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter.
She is the best thing that's ever been mine."

Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it

I can see it now...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

It always finds me when I don't expect it...

There are moments when this journey gets so tough. So tough to believe. To hope. To hold on. An unassuming day, waiting around an unexpected corner, you catch a glance of a face, a smile, and you're pulled in. You're drawn. You're feeling all those same things again. And it feels so good to get a second glance, a smile, a laugh. You haven't felt that in a while, that sense that you caused someone to look twice. Captivated them. And they captivate you. But my yearning for relationship, for love, has always seemed to lead me into playing with fire. But maybe I'm accustomed to getting burned. It's all I know. Why does it seem so nice, yet so hard? I'm not supposed to want this. To seek this. But it's hard on moments like this, when I don't get it from anyone else. And I realize just how much I desire it. I wish it was so different. But it's not. At least not yet. Honestly, part of me wishes on days like this that there was one, just ONE exception...

"And I’ve always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk...

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
The only exception

I’ve got a tight grip on reality
But I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here
I know you’re leaving
In the morning, when you wake up,
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

And you are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I’m on my way to believing
Oh, I’m on my way to believing..."

Monday, September 6, 2010

You had me at "Yassou"...


So this weekend was the annual Greek Festival in Columbus, and as always, I was there every night, eating, dancing, eating, celebrating, dancing, and eating some more. This is probably my favorite weekend of the year. I love going downtown to our beautiful Greek Orthodox Church and celebrating my Greek culture with the rest of the Greek community. There is such a spirit of joy, love, family, and LIFE in that place. Oh yeah, and the smell of delicious roasted lamb...

After 2 days of hanging out at the festival from around 4:30pm-midnight (no joke), I had a revelation: There is no doubt in my mind..... I WILL MARRY A GREEK GIRL. It's just a given, a fact, a undeniable, unmistakable, truth of the universe. Just sayin'.

Saturday night around 11:30pm when the party is REALLY happening on the dance area, the band played a song to which you dance the "καλαματιανο" (kalamatiano) -the most traditional folk dance of Greece. Several dance circles had formed and I quickly jumped into one. About 5 dance steps in I noticed the dancer to my right whose hand I was holding. Let's just say it was probably the prettiest Greek girl at the festival-and that's saying something, because well, helllooo it's a GREEK festival-i.e. GORGEOUS people. She turned her head and looked at me and smiled. I melted. She leaned towards me and said "Yassou" (Greek for 'hello'). I melted more. We continued dancing, shouting OPA, and sneaking glances. When the song ended, a beautiful middle-aged lady who was dancing in our circle (on the other side of my new-found Greek love) camp over to me and said "You're a great dancer! My name is Maria, this is my daughter Ana."-pointing to my girl. PERFECT. I've now already met her Mom, and she seems lovely. I can almost hear the wedding bells...

But as quickly as it began, it was over. We exchanged "nice to meet you"s, final glances and smiles, and she disappeared with her Mom into the midnight. I just stood there, looked up to the starry sky, closed my eyes and smiled a smile of deep contentment. I hope to see her again, but whether I do or not, it was a great moment for me. And I thanked God for the girl He has planned for me. Yassou, my love...

Friday, August 20, 2010

Taken by LOVE: the story of my journey

"You pulled me from the grave, wrapped me in Your arms. Jesus, You have won my heart! You save me. You set me free. Forever, Savior You will rescue me. Forgiven. Now I will say: forever, Savior, You have rescued me!"

This is my story. And what a journey it has been. Those closest to me have gone along this journey with me, praying, believing, crying, supporting -and often all at the same time. For a brief moment I paused to question how honest and real I should be in the post. And I decided that it would be an injustice to the work God has done, to the testimony He has given me, to sugarcoat it or go surface level with it. And I thank you in advance, friend, for taking the time to read it all. So here it is:

For most of my life I felt different. I didn't fit in when everyone else seemed to. I had different interests, a different style, a different personality. As a result of various social and environmental factors, but above all, a result of deep hurt and lack of true love and acceptance, when I entered high school I began to realize that I longed for male intimacy and acceptance. Everyone around me and all the feelings inside me told me that I must be gay. Although I always felt a strong innate struggle with this realization, I kept falling into that life.

Then came college. It was a time of great spiritual rebirth in my life because of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and a community of friends that I now consider to be family and among the most cherished people in my life. But it was still there. A brokenness that lurked behind the mask I so often had to wear. At times I forgot about it. But at times, it was suffocating. I had times of victory. Times of defeat. Through it all, I knew God loved me and I knew I was a Christian, but I felt like a fake. I must not love Him enough, or not be "spiritual" enough because this thing has not left me yet. Those were my thoughts. And they ate at me like a cancer. My senior year I met someone. I began to fall in love. And I gave so much of me and my heart to him. But it ended horribly, as is so often the story with homosexual relationships. So I graduated, excited, nervous, and feeling more broken than ever.

This past year, my first year out of college, was a time of self-discovery. A time to choose my path. Who am I? What do I want? What is my identity? This past year was my metaphorical year of "Eat Pray Love". I had moments of "Eat": I began to enjoy the true and simple beauty of LIFE again-food, friends, travel. I had moments of "Pray": I sought God, sought out who He is and who I am in Him. I had great moments of realization and victory, and moments of doubt, fear, and regression. For those friends who have gone on this journey with me, during this time the spiritual battle was so evident, so real, and so strong. I think we all could feel a resolution was on the horizon. Something was about to happen. And something DID happen...

Last Saturday I returned home following 3 weeks out of state for training for my new job. Those 3 weeks were a time when I was away from everyone, away from all voices of pressure, from all agendas, and it allowed me to truly find ME. And I did. I came home knowing who I wanted to be. Knowing that I wanted to make a change. I was done. I was tired of the struggle. Tired of everything. And then it was Sunday. Oh, Sunday...

The church service seemed regular enough. Nothing special or out of the ordinary. But then God showed up at the very end. The Holy Spirit fell upon my dad as he was closing the service, and he began to weep and speak out that there are people here who are not born again and want a life-change, and God is here and waiting. And then, all around me, people began to weep. You could feel the heaviness in the room. And I could feel God impressing upon my heart. So I went forward to the altar. And then my dad touched me and began to pray for me. Before he got 5 words out we had both collapsed into each others' arms and were sobbing. I could feel the Holy Spirit. My dad whispered in my ear: "feel His heartbeat. Open yourself up to Him. Feel His heartbeat just like you feel mine right now. I haven't always been the best father, but He is. Your Father is. You CAN trust Him, Nick. I love you." And it was then that I opened up my heart, for the first time, to allow God to have me-ALL of me. To do with me as He wished. And what He did was beautiful. I literally FELT His arms of love wrap around me. I felt the sweet peace of the Holy Spirit come over me. I felt the Holy Spirit come into me like never before. Every hurt and absence of love from men growing up was CONQUERED in that moment. In that embrace from the Father. And the whole time I kept hearing Him say to me: "I am so jealous for you. I have been for 22 years, following you along this journey. I want you. I want to be your lover. Your savior. Your healer. Your redeemer. I am jealous for you." And I noticed that all around me were people touching me and praying for me-many were sobbing, and I suddenly felt like all my hurt and pain and shame was being passed to them-they could SEE and FEEL all that I had gone through. And then came JOY. We all began to hug and hold each other, and everyone started saying "you are home, Nick. Oh thank you, Father. Thank you, Jesus!" I was BORN AGAIN! In that moment, God rescued me! I felt it. And we all felt the shift, from brokenness to redemption. And we celebrated! It was an incredible moment. I felt alive and free and saved for the first time!

I am born again. I am not the same. There IS healing from homosexuality. There IS freedom. And I am experiencing it. God is healing me, renewing my mind, and placing NEW desires in my heart. I am BORN AGAIN! I am SAVED! I am FREE! I cry every time I even say it. I just feel NEW. I feel ALIVE like never before. And I am embarking on such an amazing new relationship with God. So, I experienced "Eat" and "Pray"-but what about the final chapter of my journey: "Love"? That is where I am now. Entering this new chapter of my life, this new journey, and I'm so looking forward to the result of that chapter: meeting the one God has prepared for me - my love, my future wife. Attraversiamo: "let's cross over..."

Sunday, August 15th, 2010: I was TAKEN BY HIS LOVE.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A time for rediscovering...

3 weeks. I have been given 3 weeks to get away. Away from home, away from friends, away from agendas and pressure and confusion. I am in Northampton, Mass, for my main training for my new job with CIS. And this break from life comes at a PERFECT time. I'd just come from a sort of rough time at home, and I am dedicating this 3-week trip as a time to REDISCOVER ME. Who I am. What I want. To not have any voices telling me what to do or who to be or what to want. But to begin to hear MY voice. I've been looking forward to this.

I've been here for a full week now. And the journey is wonderful. I am happy. No, better-I am content. I am satisfied. I am joyful. I am at peace with myself and the world. I am living. Living MY life.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

"Spring Awakening"

I think once in a lifetime maybe, a musical or play comes along that hits you so hard you feel like you've been punched in the gut. You get all choked up and for a moment while you're watching it you realize you're not breathing. Wicked is that very musical for a lot of people. For me, it is Spring Awakening.

I recently rediscovered my soundtrack album for the musical, and rewatched the show itself on a recording of the original cast performing it that I downloaded off the internet. And I was blown away. I am amazed at how much I connect to that musical, to its message, to the heartbeat of the characters. I can so relate to so many of them. Spring Awakening has been my life journey in a lot of ways. It really is such a beautiful, raw, and real deptiction of young people's journey of identity, sexuality, tragedy, and triumph.

Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
Their song still seems to find you

They call you as if you knew their longing
They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling

All alone, but still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning
The stars too, they tell of spring returning
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
You fold his hands and smooth his tie
You gently lift his chin
Were you really so blind
And unkind to him?

Can't help the urge to touch, to kiss
To hold him once again
Now to close his eyes
Never open them

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home

All things you never did are left behind
All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind
And all his dad had hoped he'd know

The talks you never had
The Saturdays you never spent
All the grown-up places
You never went

And all of the crying
You wouldn't understand
You just let him cry
Make a man out of him

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Noho, Boating, and 3-Day Weekend: Updates on life

So it's been a while since I've written a new post, and SO much has been happening in my life that I HAVE to get it out for you all to hear (all 3 of you who might read my blog, lol). Let's start from the beginning:

1. NOHO:
Northampton (Noho), Massachusetts -cool, progressive, liberal, academic city in western Massachusetts, and home to the corporate office of CIS Abroad, the study abroad agency with which I am now OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) Yes, dear reader, I officially have not only a grown up job in the field that I've been trying to get into (international education), but a GREAT job at that. CIS (Center for International Studies) has been on the frontier of education abroad for the past 10 years and is one of the most cutting edge, growing agencies in the industry. I'd been interviewing for the position of University Relations Rep for the Midwest and got the offer as the top candidate of over 100 applications! (wow!) So they flew me to Noho to tour the office, meet everyone, and officially sign the offer. It was amazing. Such a cool city, great coworkers, incredible organization. I feel so blessed. My post-college life seems to have finally begun. I'm so excited. I start in late July with a month of training in Colorado. :)

2. Boating/Tubing:
On Saturday I went with my friends Shaun, Aubrey, Katie Tracy, and Ray to Alum Creek to go boating and tubing...and it was INCREDIBLE! So much freakin fun!!! Let me tell you, it was like THE PERFECT DAY. Sunny, warm, and just laying on the boat sunbathing, listening to music, and then riding on the tube attached to the rope on the end of the boat, laughing and enjoying good friends...it was perfection. One of those, "wow, thank you God for this moment" kind of days. Life is good. :) (pics up on Facebook)

3. Memorial 3-Day Weekend:
I had probably the great 3-day weekend EVER. Starting with boating on Saturday, then Sunday and Monday hanging out with the whole group of friends over at our friends' John and Staci's house, it was just a weekend full of laughter and joy. Such a blessing to realize that you have such amazing friends in your life. It was truly great. What a journey. :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"Attraversiamo"...

Attraversiamo, Italian for "Let's cross over", this was the last line in Eat Pray Love, the book I've been reading. Sunday night I stayed up and finished it. Wow. Incredible. I kept prolonging the end, reading the last few pages extra slowly, enjoying every last second of the journey. But I realized that my personal journey which began coincidentally the same time I began the book will continue long after I finish it.

This theme of "crossing over" has been prevelant through the book, and my life latley. Crossing over through Italy, my season of pleaure, enjoyment, simple utter contentment. Crossing through India, my time of seeking God, seeking devotion with Him and what it means to live and love. And then crossing over into Indonesia, into a revelation of BALANCE, what it means to balance being in this world of mine-my desires, my questions, my identity struggles - with my faith and my relationship with God. Principally the balance of feeling like I have to justify my faith because of my sexuality. It's an awful conflict feeling like your love for God and effort to live for Him is invalid now because you happen to wrestle with this one issue.

But it's a journey. And there's good days and bad ones. I'm just grateful that I've learned so much about myself and my life through journeying along with Elizabeth Gilbert on Eat Pray Love. It's been an amazing time reading that book, and the journey's only just begun...