Brain cells, how I miss thee...

Tonight while working at the Y I realized something: I miss LEARNING. I miss academia, writing papers, intellectualism, research, etc. You may think I'm lame, and that'd probably be an accurate assessment, but I do miss all that. Now that I'm out of college, I feel sometimes like I'm not learning anything. That's not fully true, but I do miss the feeling of truly giving those brain cells a good workout. Know what I mean?

While I was working the front desk at the Y I noticed this anthology of poems by James Wright, and I began to read them. *pause* -just for the record, for those wondering if I really do anything at work at the Y, let me assure you that indeed YES, I do; I do A LOT actually. But it's a really slow week and ergo the free time to read an anthology of poems. Trust me, it's not a typical every workday occurence. -Okay, back to the story... So, reading these poems by James Wright just gave me flashbacks to doing research for papers and stuff at UE. And I really miss learning new things. Sure, I learn new stuff almost everyday, but I miss the realm of academia. Weird how when you're in it, all you whine about is how you wish you didn't have to write any more pointless "not-gonna-get-me-anywhere-in-life" research papers, and when you're a graduate all you want is to be back in that world. Huh. Go figure...

Here's my favorite poem from the anthology (I like it just because the title was funny):
"Depressed By A Book Of Bad Poetry, I Walk Toward An Unused Pasture And Invite The Insects To Join Me"

Relieved, I let the book fall behind a stone.
I climb a slight rise of grass.
I do not want to disturb the ants
Who are walking single file up the fence post,
Carrying small white petals,
Casting shadows so frail that I can see through them.
I close my eyes for a moment, and listen.
The old grasshoppers are tired, they leap heavily now,
Their thighs are burdened.
I want to hear them, they have clear sounds to make.
Then lovely, far off, a dark cricket beckons
In the maple trees.

"I smell like fair food!?!"

ATTENTION: If you happen to buy and wear a lotion entitled "Sensual Amber", BE WARNED -you may end up smelling like a classic sugary fair food favorite.

So, here's the backstory. My friend had this date the other day. In short, she was hoping for a nice, romantic evening, and thus she lathered on a lotion she had found but never used. The title seemed like JUST what she was hoping for: "sensual amber". Perfect, right? Wrong! First thing the guy says to her, "Wow, you smell so great!.....you smell just like cotton candy!" O.M.G.!!!!!!!!!!!!! And seriously, it smelled JUST like cotton candy. Like I totally thought I was back at the fair. And she goes, "great...I smell like fair food." Priceless. LOL :D So that's been the major joke lately.

Beware the sensual amber. You WILL end up smelling like fair food. Just sayin...

"Late in the midnight hour..."

Last night, at midnight, God moved. He moved in my life, and I needed it. I had been battling spiritual attack (and failing epically), emotional attack, and I'm pretty sure physical attack was imminent. lol. But seriously, it's been a rough couple of days. I'd given up and given in in a lot of ways. I could feel God reaching out His hand, but I refused to take hold of it. I've learned a lot of things lately:

1. I'm more stubborn, prideful, and selfish that I had thought. Talk about a humbling realization.
2. As Casting Crowns put it, it really is a "slow fade". No one crumbles in a day. I felt like I was slowly sinking, and no one was noticing. Death and destruction is a choice; as is life and freedom. "Choose today who you will serve."
3. My emotions can get the better of me. Sometimes I overanalyze. Ha, okay, that's probably the UNDERSTATEMENT of the century. I always overanalyze. And I've learned that sometimes things are not as big as they seem. Somethings aren't always what they seem.

There's a song that I first heard at the Urbana Student Missions Conference in 2006 (oh, Urbana. Love you). We sang it on December 31st as we counted down to the new year. The chorus went like this: "Late in the midnight hour, God's gonna turn it around. He's gonna work in your favor." I've heard so many stories of how God woke people up in the middle of the night and spoke to them and it was a powerful, changing moment. And it finally happened to me. Last night, late in the midnight hour, God woke me up. Actually, He woke me up SEVERAL times. I'd come to the end of the road that night before I went to bed. I was feeling far from God, alone, and empty. Each time God woke me up, I could feel Him in the room. I could hear Him saying, "He I am. I'm still here. Come to me. You must take the first step." After refuting that I actually was woken up by the Holy Spirit multiple times and heard that message in my spirit, I finally was woken up one more time around 3:00AM. And I looked at my phone and saw that I had a voicemail. It was from my best friend Ty. I had been emotionally raw lately, and I had some hurt feelings because of Ty that weren't fully warranted. And I really needed my best friend. I really needed my brother to be there for me. And he was. We hadn't talked in days, and that voicemail was the first time I'd heard from him. For some reason, that voicemail was the culmination of everything God had been doing that night, and when I heard his voice and him saying how much he cared for me, was grateful for me, and was so glad that I am his friend and brother who would always be there in the hard times -I just broke. In that moment I surrendered to God. And I could literally feel a weight lift. A peace, a joy, and a renewed sense of life came over me. It was beautiful.

I'm trading this ashes for beauty. Darkness for light. Hallelujah. Late in the midnight hour...

I think I'll try defying gravity...

Ever feel like you're just going through the motions and life is passing you by? I feel like that today. I feel kinda defeated. Kinda never-gonna-amount-to-much. And I know intellectually that that's not truth. But it's hard to fight those thoughts sometimes. Why is that? I think I'm a little too hard on myself, but that's my nature. Why is it so hard for me to love myself sometimes? Why do I so often see myself as unworthy, unattractive, and unable to live victoriously?

But I'm trying to hear and choose to listen to the voice of truth. But truthfully it is hard. I wish it weren't. It seems like everyone else has it easier than me. That's probably not true, but it seems like it at times. In the midst of me feeling like this I went to my room and put on my Glee music mix (always a sure-fire way to cheer me up ;), and the first song on the cd was Lea Michele's cover of "Defying Gravity". And as I listened to the words, I thought: "You know, it's so true. I'm through playing by the rules of someone else's game; it's time to just close my eyes and leap into the unknown -the unknown of trust and faith. I'm through accepting limits, I'm through accepting lies and shortcomings. It's time to try defying gravity. Watch me now. You won't bring me down. Kiss me goodbye. I'm defying gravity..."
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Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
of someone else's game
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
and you won't bring me down...

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I think I'll try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you won't bring me down...

Dreams, Glee, and Hurt Feelings

Couple random things:
1. I keep having really weird dreams. Last night I dreamt that I evaded the cops in a high-speed chase after they flagged me down for speeding. lol. That's probably gonna happen in real life someday. Then my dream shifted randomly to me being back in high school and hanging out at the house of a girl who I used to have a crush on. Truth be told, she was the first girl I ever was completely smitten by, and I really thought we might get together and possibly marry. I haven't really told anyone about this girl. She was a great Christian girl who I hoped was in to me. Those dreams were dashed when she got married to this guy in the Navy last summer. Bummer. But it was just random that she appeared in my dream; I hadn't thought about her in a long time.

2. Also, can I just say YAYYYYYYYYYY for Glee getting -count em- FOUR Golden Globe nominations!!! :) That's right. Booyah. Best of luck to Glee, Lea Michele, Matthew Morrison, and Jane Lynch. Ya'll rock.

3. Serious question: am I being overly emotional or irrational in my thinking that if two people are friends, and not just friends-BEST FRIENDS, that BOTH people should call each other? I mean, why is it that I am always the one initiating the phone call? I wonder, if I never called, would we ever talk? Would he call me finally? Maybe I'm looking too into it. I don't know...

What I learn about life at 5:30 in the morning:

So depending on who you ask, I have the curse/blessing of having to open at the YMCA at 5:00AM. To me, it's a blessing -but don't quote me on that when my alarm goes off at like 4:20 in the morning. Sick. But it is a blessing because I get to work with Sally. There are some people in life through whom you learn so much about life even when it seems like they're not saying anything super philosophical at all. Sally is one of these people. Every shift with her I learn something new about life. Here's today's thoughts:

1. Even the smallest act of kindness can be transformational. Today, Sally brought me a nice big mug and a bag of hot chocolate. I never asked her to, she just thought of me and decided to bless me in that way. Knowing that someone takes time out to think of how they can love others is a powerful thing. If we all lived in such a way the world would certainly be a different place. I'm taking up the challenge of doing that for someone today as well.

2. Fake it 'till you make it. Even when you're exhausted and lack the energy to be cheery and positive, fake it 'till you make it. Choose your attitude. "Happy" is a choice.

~Hope that gives you some food for thought!

So I've got a blog. Yes, I am that cool...

So after learning that my coworker Sally had a blog, and knowing that I'm an avid journaler, I decided it was time to start putting my life thoughts and ponderings online. -and it just sounds cool to say "yeah, I've got a blog." :) So here we are! Prepare to enter the deep waters of the overly pensive mind of Nick Vasiloff. Enjoy!