Just to be with you...

11:05pm. I'm sitting here, and you're somewhere. And I can't do anything but think of you. So here's my note to you, my love...

I still remember that day we met, the very second that I first laid eyes on you. And I remember stumbling over my words, speechless, instantly captivated by you. I remember falling asleep to that beautiful music playing in the background, and knowing that I had never in my life felt so at peace. So perfectly loved. And I remember that you fell asleep and I just looked at you, watching you sleep. And I shed a tear or two. Simply overcome by you. Do you know just how much I am in love with you? You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last thought on my heart when I close my eyes at night. You are everything to me.

I can't imagine my life without you in it now. I have done so much to choose you, I hope you see. I've sacrificed and let go, and now I'm yours. I would give anything to have you here with me right now. I wish I could just hold your face in my hands again. There's just something about you. I know I tell you everyday, but I hope you know more than anything, just how completely in love with you I am.
Goodnight, Andrew.

"I've been alone so many nights now,
And I've been waiting for the stars to fall.
I keep holding out for what I don't know
To be with you, just to be with you.

So here I am staring at the moon tonight,
Wondering how you look in this light.
Maybe you're somewhere thinking about me too.
To be with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do.

And I can't imagine two worlds spinning apart
Come together eventually.
And when we finally meet, I'll know it's right.
I'll be at the end of my restless road.
But this journey, it was worth the fight.
To be with you, just to be with you..."

It always finds me when I don't expect it...

There are moments when this journey gets so tough. So tough to believe. To hope. To hold on. An unassuming day, waiting around an unexpected corner, you catch a glance of a face, a smile, and you're pulled in. You're drawn. You're feeling all those same things again. And it feels so good to get a second glance, a smile, a laugh. You haven't felt that in a while, that sense that you caused someone to look twice. Captivated them. And they captivate you. But my yearning for relationship, for love, has always seemed to lead me into playing with fire. But maybe I'm accustomed to getting burned. It's all I know. Why does it seem so nice, yet so hard? I'm not supposed to want this. To seek this. But it's hard on moments like this, when I don't get it from anyone else. And I realize just how much I desire it. I wish it was so different. But it's not. At least not yet. Honestly, part of me wishes on days like this that there was one, just ONE exception...

"And I’ve always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk...

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
The only exception

I’ve got a tight grip on reality
But I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here
I know you’re leaving
In the morning, when you wake up,
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

And you are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I’m on my way to believing
Oh, I’m on my way to believing..."

A time for rediscovering...

3 weeks. I have been given 3 weeks to get away. Away from home, away from friends, away from agendas and pressure and confusion. I am in Northampton, Mass, for my main training for my new job with CIS. And this break from life comes at a PERFECT time. I'd just come from a sort of rough time at home, and I am dedicating this 3-week trip as a time to REDISCOVER ME. Who I am. What I want. To not have any voices telling me what to do or who to be or what to want. But to begin to hear MY voice. I've been looking forward to this.

I've been here for a full week now. And the journey is wonderful. I am happy. No, better-I am content. I am satisfied. I am joyful. I am at peace with myself and the world. I am living. Living MY life.

Maybe someday...

I think I've spent most of my life running. Running from self-acceptance, self-worth, and affirmation and love from God and others. So afraid that someone might come to know anything about me at all. Running, day and night. Running. But days come, days like today, when I realize...I can't do it anymore. I won't. I can't run another step. But days like today, when I dare to show my brokenness, let the tears fall, and say "I don't understand this, but I just need someone to love me and let my tears fall on your shoulder", I see that it's worth it. To acknowledge that I am so lost and confused, but I'm trying. With ALL that I am, I'm trying and have been for 22 years. And I just needed someone to try, to try and believe in ME. That I don't have any of this figured out, but someday it will all come to an end, and until that day I'm going to live my life for God; not knowing what that looks like or even how to begin to understand that journey. But I'm trying. And to my dear friend who loved me enough today to be that shoulder, that loving hug, those words of love and affirmation...I THANK YOU. You will never know how much that heals. Thank you. You know who you are.

Driving home this morning, looking at the sky and the bright sunshine beaming down, I said to God, "I don't know the reasons why, I don't know the plan, I don't know the purpose, and let me tell you it SUCKS sometimes...but I thank you for who I am. And for my friend who loved me today. And I know that I'm not alone on this journey; You are here and always will be. I might not understand it or even like it at times, but I'm done hating myself. Done being ashamed. Done accepting the lie that I am a mistake. I'm not an accident, and I'm proud of the things in my personality and self make-up that make me special and different. YOU made me and LOVE me. And I accept who I am finally and embrace the man I am. And that's a complicated statement given the circumstances, but I'll leave that up to You. Just help me. Thank You. These temporary troubles and sufferings are preparing for us an eternal glory. Someday..."


"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday"

Farewell

Sitting alone in a quiet, still room. A candle and a lamp lightly illuminate a soft glow around the dark room. Dark, clear night sky. Soft music playing, the words seem to pierce right to my heart. I slowly fall to the floor, wrap my arms around myself and a blanket -my sole companion this night- and overcome by...by what I don't know. By something, and a tear begins to fall.

-Something feels different tonight. Life seems different. Is it just me? Reflecting on my journey, I feel like I can almost see what's ahead -if I close my eyes just a little tighter... almost there... Yet at the same time it seems so distant. Was everything I've been through meant to bring me to this time, to this moment. Why does everything seem just as elusive as back then? Is this what I'm meant for, what I'm meant to become? Why do I feel so alone and lost during these moments? I wish I knew how to quit you...


"Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me

So farewell my love
'Cause I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long
'Cause I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me

I never asked you for
A sailboat in the yard
Or that fancy dress to wear
Or a ceiling made of stars
And all I got was just this
Broken heart from you"

[Rosie Thomas - Farewell]