Just to be with you...

11:05pm. I'm sitting here, and you're somewhere. And I can't do anything but think of you. So here's my note to you, my love...

I still remember that day we met, the very second that I first laid eyes on you. And I remember stumbling over my words, speechless, instantly captivated by you. I remember falling asleep to that beautiful music playing in the background, and knowing that I had never in my life felt so at peace. So perfectly loved. And I remember that you fell asleep and I just looked at you, watching you sleep. And I shed a tear or two. Simply overcome by you. Do you know just how much I am in love with you? You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last thought on my heart when I close my eyes at night. You are everything to me.

I can't imagine my life without you in it now. I have done so much to choose you, I hope you see. I've sacrificed and let go, and now I'm yours. I would give anything to have you here with me right now. I wish I could just hold your face in my hands again. There's just something about you. I know I tell you everyday, but I hope you know more than anything, just how completely in love with you I am.
Goodnight, Andrew.

"I've been alone so many nights now,
And I've been waiting for the stars to fall.
I keep holding out for what I don't know
To be with you, just to be with you.

So here I am staring at the moon tonight,
Wondering how you look in this light.
Maybe you're somewhere thinking about me too.
To be with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do.

And I can't imagine two worlds spinning apart
Come together eventually.
And when we finally meet, I'll know it's right.
I'll be at the end of my restless road.
But this journey, it was worth the fight.
To be with you, just to be with you..."

It always finds me when I don't expect it...

There are moments when this journey gets so tough. So tough to believe. To hope. To hold on. An unassuming day, waiting around an unexpected corner, you catch a glance of a face, a smile, and you're pulled in. You're drawn. You're feeling all those same things again. And it feels so good to get a second glance, a smile, a laugh. You haven't felt that in a while, that sense that you caused someone to look twice. Captivated them. And they captivate you. But my yearning for relationship, for love, has always seemed to lead me into playing with fire. But maybe I'm accustomed to getting burned. It's all I know. Why does it seem so nice, yet so hard? I'm not supposed to want this. To seek this. But it's hard on moments like this, when I don't get it from anyone else. And I realize just how much I desire it. I wish it was so different. But it's not. At least not yet. Honestly, part of me wishes on days like this that there was one, just ONE exception...

"And I’ve always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk...

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
The only exception

I’ve got a tight grip on reality
But I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here
I know you’re leaving
In the morning, when you wake up,
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

And you are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I’m on my way to believing
Oh, I’m on my way to believing..."

"Spring Awakening"

I think once in a lifetime maybe, a musical or play comes along that hits you so hard you feel like you've been punched in the gut. You get all choked up and for a moment while you're watching it you realize you're not breathing. Wicked is that very musical for a lot of people. For me, it is Spring Awakening.

I recently rediscovered my soundtrack album for the musical, and rewatched the show itself on a recording of the original cast performing it that I downloaded off the internet. And I was blown away. I am amazed at how much I connect to that musical, to its message, to the heartbeat of the characters. I can so relate to so many of them. Spring Awakening has been my life journey in a lot of ways. It really is such a beautiful, raw, and real deptiction of young people's journey of identity, sexuality, tragedy, and triumph.

Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
Their song still seems to find you

They call you as if you knew their longing
They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling

All alone, but still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning
The stars too, they tell of spring returning
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You fold his hands and smooth his tie
You gently lift his chin
Were you really so blind
And unkind to him?

Can't help the urge to touch, to kiss
To hold him once again
Now to close his eyes
Never open them

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home

All things you never did are left behind
All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind
And all his dad had hoped he'd know

The talks you never had
The Saturdays you never spent
All the grown-up places
You never went

And all of the crying
You wouldn't understand
You just let him cry
Make a man out of him

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home.

"Attraversiamo"...

Attraversiamo, Italian for "Let's cross over", this was the last line in Eat Pray Love, the book I've been reading. Sunday night I stayed up and finished it. Wow. Incredible. I kept prolonging the end, reading the last few pages extra slowly, enjoying every last second of the journey. But I realized that my personal journey which began coincidentally the same time I began the book will continue long after I finish it.

This theme of "crossing over" has been prevelant through the book, and my life latley. Crossing over through Italy, my season of pleaure, enjoyment, simple utter contentment. Crossing through India, my time of seeking God, seeking devotion with Him and what it means to live and love. And then crossing over into Indonesia, into a revelation of BALANCE, what it means to balance being in this world of mine-my desires, my questions, my identity struggles - with my faith and my relationship with God. Principally the balance of feeling like I have to justify my faith because of my sexuality. It's an awful conflict feeling like your love for God and effort to live for Him is invalid now because you happen to wrestle with this one issue.

But it's a journey. And there's good days and bad ones. I'm just grateful that I've learned so much about myself and my life through journeying along with Elizabeth Gilbert on Eat Pray Love. It's been an amazing time reading that book, and the journey's only just begun...

Pleasure, Devotion, Balance

I feel like there's so much I'm still processing, so much I'm still sorting out on this new journey. I've got so much in my head but I don't know how to put into words, let alone on this blog. So here's what I've been thinking about most lately:

The parallel connections between my life and the book I'm reading, Eat Pray Love. (*see earlier post below*)

I've realized that my metaphorical Italy was last year, my final year of college at UE. Much like the author's time in Italy, for me it was a season of pleasure, of pure contentment, of simple enjoyment of life. Then Elizabeth Gilbert travels to India in pursuit of the divine. And that is where I am now. In India, seeking God, seeking out who He is and what it means to fall in love with Him again. I'm learning new things about myself, accepting new things. I'm in a season of revelation, of discovery. It's hard at times. But it's worth it.

And then comes Indonesia... that's where I'm at in the book right now. And I can see the application to my life already. Her time in Indonesia was in pursuit of balance; balance between worldly enjoyment and spiritual devotion. Although I'm in my India, for me it seems to intrinsically overlap in some ways with my metaphorical Indonesia. I'm in the middle of my pursuit of BALANCE; figuring out how to balance who I am, my identity, my sexuality-with my faith, my spiritual devotion and relationship with God. That complicated dichotomy is where I am right now. Yeah...this is gonna be a long journey...

Maybe someday...

I think I've spent most of my life running. Running from self-acceptance, self-worth, and affirmation and love from God and others. So afraid that someone might come to know anything about me at all. Running, day and night. Running. But days come, days like today, when I realize...I can't do it anymore. I won't. I can't run another step. But days like today, when I dare to show my brokenness, let the tears fall, and say "I don't understand this, but I just need someone to love me and let my tears fall on your shoulder", I see that it's worth it. To acknowledge that I am so lost and confused, but I'm trying. With ALL that I am, I'm trying and have been for 22 years. And I just needed someone to try, to try and believe in ME. That I don't have any of this figured out, but someday it will all come to an end, and until that day I'm going to live my life for God; not knowing what that looks like or even how to begin to understand that journey. But I'm trying. And to my dear friend who loved me enough today to be that shoulder, that loving hug, those words of love and affirmation...I THANK YOU. You will never know how much that heals. Thank you. You know who you are.

Driving home this morning, looking at the sky and the bright sunshine beaming down, I said to God, "I don't know the reasons why, I don't know the plan, I don't know the purpose, and let me tell you it SUCKS sometimes...but I thank you for who I am. And for my friend who loved me today. And I know that I'm not alone on this journey; You are here and always will be. I might not understand it or even like it at times, but I'm done hating myself. Done being ashamed. Done accepting the lie that I am a mistake. I'm not an accident, and I'm proud of the things in my personality and self make-up that make me special and different. YOU made me and LOVE me. And I accept who I am finally and embrace the man I am. And that's a complicated statement given the circumstances, but I'll leave that up to You. Just help me. Thank You. These temporary troubles and sufferings are preparing for us an eternal glory. Someday..."


"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday"

A new start on an old journey...

I have begun a journey.

This journey has been 22 years in the making. Actually, I embarked on this journey quite a few times in the past 4 years, but quickly abandoned it due to difficulty, confusion, selfishness, hopelessness, or a sad combination of all of the above. And let me preface this now, dear reader, with the warning that this post might be painfully vague. That's because I have NO idea exactly what this journey is. Or where to. Or to what end. All I know is FROM WHERE it is. It is from HERE. It is from this place of settling, complacency, and unchanged life that I have been stuck in for, oh, about the past 20 years. I came to the day recently when I looked in the mirror, examining myself and my life, and said "So, how's it going? How's is going, REALLY?" And the man in the mirror answered back, "it's going...NOWHERE." Needless to say, I sat there and cried, for about 20 minutes. And yes, for all those fellow "Eat Pray Love" readers out there, I cried ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR. If there ever was a moment of pure, dire, intense revelation that you have become a pitiful, hopeless mess of a human being, THAT was it.

So, where does one go from there? Well, firstly to the freezer to get a pint of ice cream to binge my sorrows away... but then secondly I realized I should go to God. Yeah, that "God" guy. He always does seem to creep into my heart when I find myself flooding the floor with tears (which is a surprisingly common occurrence in my life). So I had a very frank talk with God. It went something like this:

Me: God, hey. So I've been putting this conversation off for a little bit."
Dang Holy Spirit convicting me: "Just a little bit?..."
Me: "Okay geez, for A WHILE."
God: "*smirking* that's better."
Me: "Seriously God, this is NOT funny."
God: "Why are you coming to Me now?"
Me: "I don't know who I am. Or where my life is going. And I'm so tired of walking around and feeling like my life is one giant question mark. One giant ball of confusion and chaos. I know I've ran from You and ran from total surrender, but I'm ready to try something new. I'm ready to try and give You my WHOLE heart for once. I just don't even know what this journey will look like, what I need to do, I'm so lost. Geez, I feel lost even on my journey to finding myself. How sad is that..."
God: "I understand. Just go on the journey. GO. I'll lead you one step at a time. Welcome."

So here I am. I'm taking on this revolutionary idea to surrender my fears, my dreams, my sins, my utter confusion with who I am, and the death grip I have on my comfortable, selfish, seemingly-good-but-actually-falling-completely-apart-at-the-seams life. Yeah, talk about a journey.

Many moments on this journey have been and will be me face-down on the floor seeking God. Crying out to Him and seeking Him to transform my mind, heart, and desires. I need to return to my First Love. I always knew I was holding onto some things in my life, but I could never even begin to fathom how to release them, how to live without them. I've always been jealous of those dang Christians with simple lives. You know, those ones who've never experienced a true metaphysical crisis which plagues them their entire life and provokes a deep inner conflict of faith and humanity. Yeah... welcome to my life. It's never been easy being me. But I always took pride in that I feel its made me stronger. But I want my faith to be simple. I mean, I want to be able to simply say "God is more than enough, He gives freedom, He is everything, and nothing else matters. So I'll let go of all my baggage and live in that freedom." But it's never been that easy. But this is my new journey. Of actually giving God the chance to show me that He IS those things. That it CAN be that way. I guess I never realized I didn't have the faith to believe it. Deep down I didn't believe God really COULD do all that for me. Huh.

Yesterday as I was reading "Eat Pray Love" I realized that I am in India. The peverbial "India" of Eat Pray Love. The season of life where one seeks newfound devotion, intimacy with the divine. I connect so well to that book because my life mirrors it so completely. Much like the author's journey from Italy to India, a year ago I was in my "Italy". It was college. A time of contentment, pleasure, simplicity, and joy. And now I'm in "India". A grueling time, yet one which will bring forth a renewal beyond what I can imagine.

So I'm emabarking on a new way of thinking, a new way of living, a new way of letting go. *deep breath* Here goes nothing...

Farewell

Sitting alone in a quiet, still room. A candle and a lamp lightly illuminate a soft glow around the dark room. Dark, clear night sky. Soft music playing, the words seem to pierce right to my heart. I slowly fall to the floor, wrap my arms around myself and a blanket -my sole companion this night- and overcome by...by what I don't know. By something, and a tear begins to fall.

-Something feels different tonight. Life seems different. Is it just me? Reflecting on my journey, I feel like I can almost see what's ahead -if I close my eyes just a little tighter... almost there... Yet at the same time it seems so distant. Was everything I've been through meant to bring me to this time, to this moment. Why does everything seem just as elusive as back then? Is this what I'm meant for, what I'm meant to become? Why do I feel so alone and lost during these moments? I wish I knew how to quit you...


"Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me

So farewell my love
'Cause I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long
'Cause I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me

I never asked you for
A sailboat in the yard
Or that fancy dress to wear
Or a ceiling made of stars
And all I got was just this
Broken heart from you"

[Rosie Thomas - Farewell]