A turning point?...

"They never tell you, truth is subjective.
They only tell you, not to lie.
They never tell you, there's strength in vulnerability.
They only tell you, not to cry.
They never tell you, you don't need to be ashamed.
They only tell you, to deny.
I'm finding something else to learn..."

-Gary Jules "Something Else"

I think if I waited any longer to write this post I was going to explode. Way too much on my mind and no time to decompartmentalize. I've had such an interesting past 2 weeks; so much happening in my life. So many new thoughts, questions, queries, confusion. I've felt very "in a fog" for much of these past 2 weeks. But at the same time, so much does seem clear. And there have been so many amazing moments, too.

As my last post describes, I've found a new community. New friends. And I love it. I truly do. They are wonderful, amazing people who love God and are trying to live for Him in this crazy life. Together we saw the film "Lord, Save Us From Your Followers". And wow, I was BLOWN AWAY. It's an incredible film for both Christians and non-Christians; but honestly, I think that Christians are the ones really in need of seeing it in some ways. It was about how the Gospel of Love is diving America. The "Culture War" between "conservative Christians" and the "godless liberal leftists" and issues like abortion, gay marriage, church and state, and poverty. It was EYE-OPENING, CONVICTING, CHALLENGING, HURTFUL, AND ENCOURAGING. So many incredible interviews and quotes (I was trying to remember EVERYTHING Tony Campolo said; it was profound). It's just got me thinking about a lot. Here's some great quotes from it:

>"It's too easy to sit back and criticize things you don't know about and much more difficult to search for truth - and, yes, I'm applying that to myself first."

>"And when I realized all my objections were fear-based, I tried to talk my mind into believing that there was something to this I just didn't understand yet...and the fear must be confronted. Maybe I'd understand later, but staying home because I was afraid of the unknown, afraid of the adventure, or really, afraid of what God might be trying to teach me, would not be acceptable."

>"Our tendency to reduce the gospel of Jesus to a couple of isolated issues, our willingness to oversimplify this complex life just so we can be right and win an argument is, as a smart person would say, antiethical to Jesus' teachings."

>"In First John it talks about how Jesus came in "truth and grace". Seems like we might be a little heavy on the "truth" and a little light with the "grace"."

>"It's hard to know what God's will is for us because our will kind of likes to run the show."

>"The only thing strident arrogance is good for is hardening hearts, fostering resentment, and creating animosity."

Secondly, I've been having so many of those moments where you're just in awe of what your life has become. Like, hanging out with these new friends, having amazing late-night vulnerable conversation, and driving home listening to music like Rosie Thomas - "All My Life" and Gary Jules - "Something Else", and thinking to myself, "wow, this is my moment. this is my life. how did i get here? what is to come of these new questions, new insights, new journey?... I don't know, but I do know that I do enjoy this. I love this journey, no matter how hard or confusing it is. And although I sometimes (or often times) don't understand God, myself, or my life, I will choose to live amidst the fog."

What's up with me and having these random 20s life crises?... Hmm. I just have realized some things about life. About people. And about myself. I'm not sure how I feel about it all yet, but I can't deny what I have learned is truth. Some people won't see it that way, but that's because it's not their reality. They'll never fully know. So, what lies ahead? Good question. I don't know. And I'm starting to not care. To not care about perceptions, persona, image, or a fantasized fairytale ending that I honestly don't see coming. I don't know...

"I've been waiting all my life,
Waiting for you to come.
I've been traveling and wandering
Alone on my own for too long.
I swear I tried to convince myself
It would be much easier being alone.
But after running circle after circle
I'm tired of being on my own.
I've been waiting all my life..."

-Rosie Thomas "All My Life"

That verse from that song really paints a clear picture of a lot of what I'm thinking and trying to get across, I think. I wonder if this will just be another one of those nights I write something like this and look back on it one year, two years, ten years from now and think: "huh, that was just a phase. just a weird night. now i'm here, passed that." --or is it more than that? is this a turning point? I guess we'll see...