A new start on an old journey...

I have begun a journey.

This journey has been 22 years in the making. Actually, I embarked on this journey quite a few times in the past 4 years, but quickly abandoned it due to difficulty, confusion, selfishness, hopelessness, or a sad combination of all of the above. And let me preface this now, dear reader, with the warning that this post might be painfully vague. That's because I have NO idea exactly what this journey is. Or where to. Or to what end. All I know is FROM WHERE it is. It is from HERE. It is from this place of settling, complacency, and unchanged life that I have been stuck in for, oh, about the past 20 years. I came to the day recently when I looked in the mirror, examining myself and my life, and said "So, how's it going? How's is going, REALLY?" And the man in the mirror answered back, "it's going...NOWHERE." Needless to say, I sat there and cried, for about 20 minutes. And yes, for all those fellow "Eat Pray Love" readers out there, I cried ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR. If there ever was a moment of pure, dire, intense revelation that you have become a pitiful, hopeless mess of a human being, THAT was it.

So, where does one go from there? Well, firstly to the freezer to get a pint of ice cream to binge my sorrows away... but then secondly I realized I should go to God. Yeah, that "God" guy. He always does seem to creep into my heart when I find myself flooding the floor with tears (which is a surprisingly common occurrence in my life). So I had a very frank talk with God. It went something like this:

Me: God, hey. So I've been putting this conversation off for a little bit."
Dang Holy Spirit convicting me: "Just a little bit?..."
Me: "Okay geez, for A WHILE."
God: "*smirking* that's better."
Me: "Seriously God, this is NOT funny."
God: "Why are you coming to Me now?"
Me: "I don't know who I am. Or where my life is going. And I'm so tired of walking around and feeling like my life is one giant question mark. One giant ball of confusion and chaos. I know I've ran from You and ran from total surrender, but I'm ready to try something new. I'm ready to try and give You my WHOLE heart for once. I just don't even know what this journey will look like, what I need to do, I'm so lost. Geez, I feel lost even on my journey to finding myself. How sad is that..."
God: "I understand. Just go on the journey. GO. I'll lead you one step at a time. Welcome."

So here I am. I'm taking on this revolutionary idea to surrender my fears, my dreams, my sins, my utter confusion with who I am, and the death grip I have on my comfortable, selfish, seemingly-good-but-actually-falling-completely-apart-at-the-seams life. Yeah, talk about a journey.

Many moments on this journey have been and will be me face-down on the floor seeking God. Crying out to Him and seeking Him to transform my mind, heart, and desires. I need to return to my First Love. I always knew I was holding onto some things in my life, but I could never even begin to fathom how to release them, how to live without them. I've always been jealous of those dang Christians with simple lives. You know, those ones who've never experienced a true metaphysical crisis which plagues them their entire life and provokes a deep inner conflict of faith and humanity. Yeah... welcome to my life. It's never been easy being me. But I always took pride in that I feel its made me stronger. But I want my faith to be simple. I mean, I want to be able to simply say "God is more than enough, He gives freedom, He is everything, and nothing else matters. So I'll let go of all my baggage and live in that freedom." But it's never been that easy. But this is my new journey. Of actually giving God the chance to show me that He IS those things. That it CAN be that way. I guess I never realized I didn't have the faith to believe it. Deep down I didn't believe God really COULD do all that for me. Huh.

Yesterday as I was reading "Eat Pray Love" I realized that I am in India. The peverbial "India" of Eat Pray Love. The season of life where one seeks newfound devotion, intimacy with the divine. I connect so well to that book because my life mirrors it so completely. Much like the author's journey from Italy to India, a year ago I was in my "Italy". It was college. A time of contentment, pleasure, simplicity, and joy. And now I'm in "India". A grueling time, yet one which will bring forth a renewal beyond what I can imagine.

So I'm emabarking on a new way of thinking, a new way of living, a new way of letting go. *deep breath* Here goes nothing...