Taken by LOVE: the story of my journey

"You pulled me from the grave, wrapped me in Your arms. Jesus, You have won my heart! You save me. You set me free. Forever, Savior You will rescue me. Forgiven. Now I will say: forever, Savior, You have rescued me!"

This is my story. And what a journey it has been. Those closest to me have gone along this journey with me, praying, believing, crying, supporting -and often all at the same time. For a brief moment I paused to question how honest and real I should be in the post. And I decided that it would be an injustice to the work God has done, to the testimony He has given me, to sugarcoat it or go surface level with it. And I thank you in advance, friend, for taking the time to read it all. So here it is:

For most of my life I felt different. I didn't fit in when everyone else seemed to. I had different interests, a different style, a different personality. As a result of various social and environmental factors, but above all, a result of deep hurt and lack of true love and acceptance, when I entered high school I began to realize that I longed for male intimacy and acceptance. Everyone around me and all the feelings inside me told me that I must be gay. Although I always felt a strong innate struggle with this realization, I kept falling into that life.

Then came college. It was a time of great spiritual rebirth in my life because of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and a community of friends that I now consider to be family and among the most cherished people in my life. But it was still there. A brokenness that lurked behind the mask I so often had to wear. At times I forgot about it. But at times, it was suffocating. I had times of victory. Times of defeat. Through it all, I knew God loved me and I knew I was a Christian, but I felt like a fake. I must not love Him enough, or not be "spiritual" enough because this thing has not left me yet. Those were my thoughts. And they ate at me like a cancer. My senior year I met someone. I began to fall in love. And I gave so much of me and my heart to him. But it ended horribly, as is so often the story with homosexual relationships. So I graduated, excited, nervous, and feeling more broken than ever.

This past year, my first year out of college, was a time of self-discovery. A time to choose my path. Who am I? What do I want? What is my identity? This past year was my metaphorical year of "Eat Pray Love". I had moments of "Eat": I began to enjoy the true and simple beauty of LIFE again-food, friends, travel. I had moments of "Pray": I sought God, sought out who He is and who I am in Him. I had great moments of realization and victory, and moments of doubt, fear, and regression. For those friends who have gone on this journey with me, during this time the spiritual battle was so evident, so real, and so strong. I think we all could feel a resolution was on the horizon. Something was about to happen. And something DID happen...

Last Saturday I returned home following 3 weeks out of state for training for my new job. Those 3 weeks were a time when I was away from everyone, away from all voices of pressure, from all agendas, and it allowed me to truly find ME. And I did. I came home knowing who I wanted to be. Knowing that I wanted to make a change. I was done. I was tired of the struggle. Tired of everything. And then it was Sunday. Oh, Sunday...

The church service seemed regular enough. Nothing special or out of the ordinary. But then God showed up at the very end. The Holy Spirit fell upon my dad as he was closing the service, and he began to weep and speak out that there are people here who are not born again and want a life-change, and God is here and waiting. And then, all around me, people began to weep. You could feel the heaviness in the room. And I could feel God impressing upon my heart. So I went forward to the altar. And then my dad touched me and began to pray for me. Before he got 5 words out we had both collapsed into each others' arms and were sobbing. I could feel the Holy Spirit. My dad whispered in my ear: "feel His heartbeat. Open yourself up to Him. Feel His heartbeat just like you feel mine right now. I haven't always been the best father, but He is. Your Father is. You CAN trust Him, Nick. I love you." And it was then that I opened up my heart, for the first time, to allow God to have me-ALL of me. To do with me as He wished. And what He did was beautiful. I literally FELT His arms of love wrap around me. I felt the sweet peace of the Holy Spirit come over me. I felt the Holy Spirit come into me like never before. Every hurt and absence of love from men growing up was CONQUERED in that moment. In that embrace from the Father. And the whole time I kept hearing Him say to me: "I am so jealous for you. I have been for 22 years, following you along this journey. I want you. I want to be your lover. Your savior. Your healer. Your redeemer. I am jealous for you." And I noticed that all around me were people touching me and praying for me-many were sobbing, and I suddenly felt like all my hurt and pain and shame was being passed to them-they could SEE and FEEL all that I had gone through. And then came JOY. We all began to hug and hold each other, and everyone started saying "you are home, Nick. Oh thank you, Father. Thank you, Jesus!" I was BORN AGAIN! In that moment, God rescued me! I felt it. And we all felt the shift, from brokenness to redemption. And we celebrated! It was an incredible moment. I felt alive and free and saved for the first time!

I am born again. I am not the same. There IS healing from homosexuality. There IS freedom. And I am experiencing it. God is healing me, renewing my mind, and placing NEW desires in my heart. I am BORN AGAIN! I am SAVED! I am FREE! I cry every time I even say it. I just feel NEW. I feel ALIVE like never before. And I am embarking on such an amazing new relationship with God. So, I experienced "Eat" and "Pray"-but what about the final chapter of my journey: "Love"? That is where I am now. Entering this new chapter of my life, this new journey, and I'm so looking forward to the result of that chapter: meeting the one God has prepared for me - my love, my future wife. Attraversiamo: "let's cross over..."

Sunday, August 15th, 2010: I was TAKEN BY HIS LOVE.