Humanity, there is hope for you yet...

Just a short post to proclaim that there is, indeed, still hope for humanity.

Just when you get bogged down at work, emotionally abused on the phone by rude, ruthless people, and you begin to lose hope in the future of humankind...you interact with a kind soul who reminds you that YES, there is hope still for humanity.

I just had such an interaction with a lovely Mexican family (the Duarte family). Let me tell you, there is nothing like a fun, kind, energetic latino family to lift your spirits. ;) There was nothing super extravagant about the conversation we had, it just blessed me to recieve a smile, a "thank you" (well, we spoke in Spanish, so it was a "muchas gracias"), and a sense that there still are genuinely good people in this world. And I am reminded how God has wired me to work cross-culturally; that He has called me to operate in such a setting, to serve others using foreign language, and that it blesses me like nothing else to be able to cross that cultural and linguistic border and show someone that I truly care about them and their family.

Gracias a TI Señor Duarte. :)

Eat. Pray. Love.

"One woman's search for everything across Italy, India and Indonesia." This is the premise of a book that you might not think I'd relate or connect particularly deeply with. au contraire... About two weeks ago my friend Jenni bought me this book, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. And let's just say that it is possibly the best book I've EVER read.

On almost every page I laugh, I cry, I reminisce, I FEEL. I love her thought process, her humor, her sense of self and search for...well, for EVERYTHING. I'm glad to know that someone else has been on that search other than me. Eat Pray Love follows the journey of Elizabeth Gilbert, a renowned New York writer who had a successful career, luxurious home, and marriage, but loses it all and begins an around-the-world journey to Italy, India and Indonesia in search of herself, God and other great mysteries of life. Set against the backdrop of 3 different cultures, Elizabeth searches to examine 3 different aspects of her nature: pleasure in Italy, devotion in India, and the balance of the two in Indonesia.

There are so many things I've learned already from this book, so many things that have made me laugh, tear up, etc. But I'll post only an example or two of each instance:

LAUGH:

"And, oh, the woes that traveling has inflicted on my digestive tract! In Lebanon I became so explosively ill one night that I could only imagine I'd contracted a Middle Eastern version of the Ebola virus. In Hungary, I suffered from an entirely different kind of bowel affliction, which changed forever the way I feel about the term "Soviet Bloc". But I have other bodily weaknesses, too. My back gave out on my first day of traveling in Africa, I was the only member of my party to emerge from the jungles of Venezuela with infected spider bites, and I ask of you - I beg of you! - who gets sunburned in Stockholm?! Really!?"

"Believe me, I am fully aware of the irony of going to Italy in pursuit of pleasure during a period of self-imposed celibacy. But I do think abstinence is the right thing for me at the moment. I was especially sure of it the night I could hear my upstairs neighbor having the longest, loudest, flesh-smackingest, bed-thumpingest, back-breakingest session of lovemaking I'd ever heard. This slam-dance went on for well over an hour, complete with hyperventilating sound effects and wild animal calls. I lay there only one floor below, alone and tired in my bed, and all I could think was, 'That sounds like an awful lot of work...'"

CRY:

"What I write in my journal tonight is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I'm scared they will never leave. I say that I don't want to take the drugs anymore, but I'm frightened I will have to. I'm terrified that I will never really pull my life together. In response, a voice, something from within me arose and whispered to me: "I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. No matter how you fall and fail, I will love you through that. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness, and nothing will ever exhaust me."

So basically I am loving this book. Loving the journey. I can so relate, and I feel like in so many ways I am in the exact same place, the exact same season of life that she was in when she wrote it. Well, EXCEPT for the fact that I'm stuck in central Ohio and she spent 4 months of her journey in Italy eating amazing food and surrounded by ridiculously beautiful people. jealous... But still, I'm loving the journey.

Farewell

Sitting alone in a quiet, still room. A candle and a lamp lightly illuminate a soft glow around the dark room. Dark, clear night sky. Soft music playing, the words seem to pierce right to my heart. I slowly fall to the floor, wrap my arms around myself and a blanket -my sole companion this night- and overcome by...by what I don't know. By something, and a tear begins to fall.

-Something feels different tonight. Life seems different. Is it just me? Reflecting on my journey, I feel like I can almost see what's ahead -if I close my eyes just a little tighter... almost there... Yet at the same time it seems so distant. Was everything I've been through meant to bring me to this time, to this moment. Why does everything seem just as elusive as back then? Is this what I'm meant for, what I'm meant to become? Why do I feel so alone and lost during these moments? I wish I knew how to quit you...


"Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me

So farewell my love
'Cause I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long
'Cause I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me

I never asked you for
A sailboat in the yard
Or that fancy dress to wear
Or a ceiling made of stars
And all I got was just this
Broken heart from you"

[Rosie Thomas - Farewell]

"A turning point?" *REVISITED*

So, I was urged by several people to revisit my previous post "A turning point?" and maybe talk a little more about it. Apparently it was "too deep", "too vague".

Well, processing it a little more, in retrospect I think part of what I mainly wanted to communicate was that I'm just tired of seeing the Body of Christ invalidate, demean, and diminish the legitimacy of hurt, struggle, pain, LIFE. Christians love labels. We love to place big fat stickers on people and issues that say simply: "RIGHT", "WRONG", "YOU LOSE", or "WE WIN". They love to win arguments. To be right. And in doing so completely embody the antithesis of Jesus' approach to people. He came in "grace and truth". Seems to me like we're a little heavy on the "truth" and a little light with the "grace".

I'm just saying that people, issues, and life are more complex than the Body says they are. As one who lives amidst the complexity, I can say that it's time everyone else legitimizes the fact that there IS gray area. There is an in between place. And for God sake, it's time everyone stops cloaking their judgment, pointing fingers, and refusal to even try listening to the other side of the argument with that classic guise "oh, well the Bible is clear on this issue." Since when did the Bible nullify compassion?

I've met some amazing people lately. People who love God, and are trying to live for Him. But they're also people that a vast number of Christians would shy away from, would rebuke without first showing love and compassion simply because they DON'T UNDERSTAND them and their issue. -and their lack of understanding manifests into fear, and fear into righteous indignation. Call me a radical, but I believe Jesus would have more of an issue with THOSE people than with the ones they're judging.

And can we PLEASE actually have a courageous conversation about all this? I mean seriously, so often we start discussing and then the other side goes, "oh this is just too uncomfortable, too "deep". You just need to pray more or something..." -REALLY?! Are we just afraid that we MIGHT have to perhaps admit being wrong, admit there's more than the surface level?

I don't know. These are just my thoughts...

A turning point?...

"They never tell you, truth is subjective.
They only tell you, not to lie.
They never tell you, there's strength in vulnerability.
They only tell you, not to cry.
They never tell you, you don't need to be ashamed.
They only tell you, to deny.
I'm finding something else to learn..."

-Gary Jules "Something Else"

I think if I waited any longer to write this post I was going to explode. Way too much on my mind and no time to decompartmentalize. I've had such an interesting past 2 weeks; so much happening in my life. So many new thoughts, questions, queries, confusion. I've felt very "in a fog" for much of these past 2 weeks. But at the same time, so much does seem clear. And there have been so many amazing moments, too.

As my last post describes, I've found a new community. New friends. And I love it. I truly do. They are wonderful, amazing people who love God and are trying to live for Him in this crazy life. Together we saw the film "Lord, Save Us From Your Followers". And wow, I was BLOWN AWAY. It's an incredible film for both Christians and non-Christians; but honestly, I think that Christians are the ones really in need of seeing it in some ways. It was about how the Gospel of Love is diving America. The "Culture War" between "conservative Christians" and the "godless liberal leftists" and issues like abortion, gay marriage, church and state, and poverty. It was EYE-OPENING, CONVICTING, CHALLENGING, HURTFUL, AND ENCOURAGING. So many incredible interviews and quotes (I was trying to remember EVERYTHING Tony Campolo said; it was profound). It's just got me thinking about a lot. Here's some great quotes from it:

>"It's too easy to sit back and criticize things you don't know about and much more difficult to search for truth - and, yes, I'm applying that to myself first."

>"And when I realized all my objections were fear-based, I tried to talk my mind into believing that there was something to this I just didn't understand yet...and the fear must be confronted. Maybe I'd understand later, but staying home because I was afraid of the unknown, afraid of the adventure, or really, afraid of what God might be trying to teach me, would not be acceptable."

>"Our tendency to reduce the gospel of Jesus to a couple of isolated issues, our willingness to oversimplify this complex life just so we can be right and win an argument is, as a smart person would say, antiethical to Jesus' teachings."

>"In First John it talks about how Jesus came in "truth and grace". Seems like we might be a little heavy on the "truth" and a little light with the "grace"."

>"It's hard to know what God's will is for us because our will kind of likes to run the show."

>"The only thing strident arrogance is good for is hardening hearts, fostering resentment, and creating animosity."

Secondly, I've been having so many of those moments where you're just in awe of what your life has become. Like, hanging out with these new friends, having amazing late-night vulnerable conversation, and driving home listening to music like Rosie Thomas - "All My Life" and Gary Jules - "Something Else", and thinking to myself, "wow, this is my moment. this is my life. how did i get here? what is to come of these new questions, new insights, new journey?... I don't know, but I do know that I do enjoy this. I love this journey, no matter how hard or confusing it is. And although I sometimes (or often times) don't understand God, myself, or my life, I will choose to live amidst the fog."

What's up with me and having these random 20s life crises?... Hmm. I just have realized some things about life. About people. And about myself. I'm not sure how I feel about it all yet, but I can't deny what I have learned is truth. Some people won't see it that way, but that's because it's not their reality. They'll never fully know. So, what lies ahead? Good question. I don't know. And I'm starting to not care. To not care about perceptions, persona, image, or a fantasized fairytale ending that I honestly don't see coming. I don't know...

"I've been waiting all my life,
Waiting for you to come.
I've been traveling and wandering
Alone on my own for too long.
I swear I tried to convince myself
It would be much easier being alone.
But after running circle after circle
I'm tired of being on my own.
I've been waiting all my life..."

-Rosie Thomas "All My Life"

That verse from that song really paints a clear picture of a lot of what I'm thinking and trying to get across, I think. I wonder if this will just be another one of those nights I write something like this and look back on it one year, two years, ten years from now and think: "huh, that was just a phase. just a weird night. now i'm here, passed that." --or is it more than that? is this a turning point? I guess we'll see...

Oh, the joy of community

So there's been some cool new developments in my life. Through my friend and coworker Sally I came to meet a new friend named David. Everyone had always said how we were so weirdly alike, and so we met up one night and hung out. It was awesome. I had such a good time, and it felt like the beginning of a fun new friendship. He invited me to come with him last night to a 20-somethings small group bible study. I decided it would be a good opportunity to meet some ladies (oh, and learn about Jesus) lol jk. Haha, I really had been praying about and DESPERATELY needing to establish a new community in my life. Since graduating college and leaving my tight-knit community of friends in InterVaristy Christian Fellowship, I had been missing out on that sense of accountability, encouragement, fun, and laughter. Plus I just really felt alone. I'm kind of lame and a loner contrary to popular belief that I'm cool. lol. I mean, I am cool. But that's for another post at another time... wow, can you tell I'm spacey this morning; I got a whole 4 hours of sleep last night.

Anyway, focusing now.... um, so I managed to find my way to his house where they were having the small group, despite mapquest lying to me. And long story short, it was an AWESOME night! It was so great to hang out with other Christian 20-somethings. I needed to be around others who are in the same season of life as me. I needed that life affirmation and reciprocity. I love the word "reciprocity"; it's fun to say. Go ahead, say it.... see, wasn't that fun?! Okay, focusing again.... And this was SO cool -the guy who led the bible study.....WE WENT TO THE SAME MENS GYMNASTICS ACADEMY BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I walked in and was like, "man, you look so familiar, have we met?" And then it clicked. It was SO random! Like, SO random! I hadn't seen him since 2004! I felt like God had led me to that group that night. And the bible study was really good, and convicting. It was on coveting. Very timely for my life I soon realized. I got a lot out of it.

After it was over I stayed and watched American Idol with David. We had so much fun critiquing the contestants and cheering on our favorites. (and seeing the Glee promos that aired during the commercial breaks! :) And laughing at how David and I really are twins, to the point that we were saying the same things at the same time. lol Oh, and I did share with him my distaste (okay, utter hatred) for cheese. And I'm sure he now thinks I'm a total creeper. lol

So in summary, I got a taste of the joy of community again. And how sweet it was. :) Thank you Lord for new friends and the joy of community.

Thoughts from Revelation 2:

So here are some of my thoughts from yesterday's church service. The sermon was on Revelation 2 and the spirit of Jezebel. A lot of talk has been given to this "Jezebel" --who she was and how she and her followers inhibited the health of the early Church. Here's what it comes down to: "I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first. Nevertheless, I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophet. By her teaching she misleads my servants..." [Revelation 2:19-20]

This was my revelation: God knew the deeds, the good works of the early Church; He knew that they loved God, yet they were compromising. They were settling for spiritual mediocrity. They had idols. They had sin. And they were okay with it. They thought because they loved God and did have good deeds that that somehow canceled out the sin in their life that they were tolerating. And that's when I put down my donut, coffee, and popped my head up from my almost-nodding out slumber. THAT IS ME. I love God and have good works and intentions, but I'm tolerating sin. Accepting its place in my life. And I can't be that person. I won't. I desire to be so much more, to not be a statistic Christian -you know, one of those statistics in those Christian magazines that says "so-and-so percent of Christians say it's okay to... *fill in the blank*."

It's time to take a stand for righteousness. To say NO MORE. And although releasing the control that "tolerating spirit" has on you is hard -and often times just SUCKS- it is what we are called to do. THAT is taking up your cross. Crosses are supposed to be heavy and hard and give you splinters. Who lied to us 20-somethings in the American Church and said that our cross would be light, fluffy, and marshmallowy? And when did we start believing them? It's time we take back truth. I for one am. You in?

"Ray"

Two days ago I met a young guy named Ray. He is from Indiana. And he is homeless. He came into my YMCA looking for a place to stay for the night; he thought the Y was a shelter. He walked 200 miles to get to Columbus. Yes, you read that right -200. He got a ride from several truckers, but walked most of the way. He has a friend who lives here, so that's why he came to Columbus. He walked with a limp now because of a lasting cramp that came upon him after such a rigorous trek. By the end of the day he told me that meeting me was a changing day for him. I think it was ME who was changed...

I spend the last hour of my shift online looking up shelters and people who could help him out, and then on the phone calling places and talking with various people. As I worked to help connect him with organizations that worked with the homeless and helped them find work and get back on their feet, I listened to him share his life story with me. It was fascinating. It was eye-opening, and it was humbling. He was such a good guy who just needed a break. He'd been through a lot in his life. I ended up connecting with a director at Faith Mission, and at the end of my shift I offered to drive him downtown and find the office. Before heading out, we ended up sitting in my car and talking for another 30 minutes about life, God, girls, and the future.

I ended up finding the office on S. 6th street downtown (which was an act of God since I always get lost downtown and end up turning the wrong way on a one-way) lol. I went in and talked to the directors, cuz I thought a YMCA employee vouching for him might get him more attention. It worked. Ray probably didn't know, but I was praying for God to work something out since the minute he walked up to the desk and said, "hi, my name is Ray, and I'm homeless and need some help." And God moved. And as I was in the building, I got to talk to many other people struggling with homelessness and poverty. It was an extremely impactful experience. Talking with them, sharing stories, united in our mutual humanity. It was special. And in that moment there was no me and them, no separation of social status or economic standing - there was HUMAN. And we were ONE. And it was beautiful.

I talked to Ray twice on the phone since that night, and he has reconnected with his friend and is doing alright. And he even got a job interview and had me listed as one of his contact references -because as he told me: "I don't know anyone, and I don't have any friends here or at home. I only have you, Nick." Wow. I am his only friend. And I've known him for only several hours. I was challenged to love more deeply that night; to truly love like Jesus. And I learned that as I loved Ray like Jesus would have, I not only ended up giving him food and shelter, but hope, laughter (which he said he hadn't smiled in days. another "wow" moment), and friendship. I still think it was ME who truly gained from that night, and who was truly changed...

GLEE Season 2 here I come!!

FOX just announced that it's confirmed 'Glee' for a second season and is looking to fill 3 new cast spots. They are doing an online open casting call for anyone 18-26; professional or complete amateur. And yes, you guessed it, I'M AUDITIONING! :) My gleekly dreams are coming true! Look for me in season 2! Wish me luck! :)

My return to the blog.

Hello blog. How I missed you. Sorry for the long absence; I was encouraged by my friend to keep up the blog after I told her I was thinking of dropping it. But I realize that I do really enjoy it. It's therapeutic. So, here's my thoughts:

Keep an eye open for "The Chronicles of Jicholas", a written collection of all the randomly hilarious moments me and Jenni have had. SO much good stuff to put in there. :) Love it. Had an amazing weekend with her and Ty. Watched Glee, talked, goofed off, made funny videos which will be uploaded to facebook any minute now. Good times.

Worship was great this Sunday. Loved ending with the song "I Am Free" and seeing the church body rejoicing. It encouraged me since I had been praying for more unity and togetherness in my church lately. God is good and has a plan for us! Excited to see what's ahead. Also, loving my new devotional, "Daily Devotions from Proverbs for Men" Really getting a lot out of it, and it's cool how it's written by men for men. Very cool. Also realized that I love having quiet time with God at night more than in the morning. The morning is great, but I'm much more lucid at night, and I find that the quiet of the night mixed with some great soft worship music (usually Hillsong) helps me connect more. Love the stillness of God's presence at night. Nothing better.

Last note, learned a lot about relationship lately. Maintaining healthy friendships is a full time job. And it can be messy, because people are broken and bring their baggage into relationships (including me for sure). But it's amazing to love someone and see them learning to love as well. Trusting in God to move in my relationships in 2010.

Well, that's all for now. Be blessed, my friends and faithful blog followers. Until next time, stay gleeful! ;)