"Attraversiamo"...

Attraversiamo, Italian for "Let's cross over", this was the last line in Eat Pray Love, the book I've been reading. Sunday night I stayed up and finished it. Wow. Incredible. I kept prolonging the end, reading the last few pages extra slowly, enjoying every last second of the journey. But I realized that my personal journey which began coincidentally the same time I began the book will continue long after I finish it.

This theme of "crossing over" has been prevelant through the book, and my life latley. Crossing over through Italy, my season of pleaure, enjoyment, simple utter contentment. Crossing through India, my time of seeking God, seeking devotion with Him and what it means to live and love. And then crossing over into Indonesia, into a revelation of BALANCE, what it means to balance being in this world of mine-my desires, my questions, my identity struggles - with my faith and my relationship with God. Principally the balance of feeling like I have to justify my faith because of my sexuality. It's an awful conflict feeling like your love for God and effort to live for Him is invalid now because you happen to wrestle with this one issue.

But it's a journey. And there's good days and bad ones. I'm just grateful that I've learned so much about myself and my life through journeying along with Elizabeth Gilbert on Eat Pray Love. It's been an amazing time reading that book, and the journey's only just begun...

Pleasure, Devotion, Balance

I feel like there's so much I'm still processing, so much I'm still sorting out on this new journey. I've got so much in my head but I don't know how to put into words, let alone on this blog. So here's what I've been thinking about most lately:

The parallel connections between my life and the book I'm reading, Eat Pray Love. (*see earlier post below*)

I've realized that my metaphorical Italy was last year, my final year of college at UE. Much like the author's time in Italy, for me it was a season of pleasure, of pure contentment, of simple enjoyment of life. Then Elizabeth Gilbert travels to India in pursuit of the divine. And that is where I am now. In India, seeking God, seeking out who He is and what it means to fall in love with Him again. I'm learning new things about myself, accepting new things. I'm in a season of revelation, of discovery. It's hard at times. But it's worth it.

And then comes Indonesia... that's where I'm at in the book right now. And I can see the application to my life already. Her time in Indonesia was in pursuit of balance; balance between worldly enjoyment and spiritual devotion. Although I'm in my India, for me it seems to intrinsically overlap in some ways with my metaphorical Indonesia. I'm in the middle of my pursuit of BALANCE; figuring out how to balance who I am, my identity, my sexuality-with my faith, my spiritual devotion and relationship with God. That complicated dichotomy is where I am right now. Yeah...this is gonna be a long journey...

Maybe someday...

I think I've spent most of my life running. Running from self-acceptance, self-worth, and affirmation and love from God and others. So afraid that someone might come to know anything about me at all. Running, day and night. Running. But days come, days like today, when I realize...I can't do it anymore. I won't. I can't run another step. But days like today, when I dare to show my brokenness, let the tears fall, and say "I don't understand this, but I just need someone to love me and let my tears fall on your shoulder", I see that it's worth it. To acknowledge that I am so lost and confused, but I'm trying. With ALL that I am, I'm trying and have been for 22 years. And I just needed someone to try, to try and believe in ME. That I don't have any of this figured out, but someday it will all come to an end, and until that day I'm going to live my life for God; not knowing what that looks like or even how to begin to understand that journey. But I'm trying. And to my dear friend who loved me enough today to be that shoulder, that loving hug, those words of love and affirmation...I THANK YOU. You will never know how much that heals. Thank you. You know who you are.

Driving home this morning, looking at the sky and the bright sunshine beaming down, I said to God, "I don't know the reasons why, I don't know the plan, I don't know the purpose, and let me tell you it SUCKS sometimes...but I thank you for who I am. And for my friend who loved me today. And I know that I'm not alone on this journey; You are here and always will be. I might not understand it or even like it at times, but I'm done hating myself. Done being ashamed. Done accepting the lie that I am a mistake. I'm not an accident, and I'm proud of the things in my personality and self make-up that make me special and different. YOU made me and LOVE me. And I accept who I am finally and embrace the man I am. And that's a complicated statement given the circumstances, but I'll leave that up to You. Just help me. Thank You. These temporary troubles and sufferings are preparing for us an eternal glory. Someday..."


"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday"

A new start on an old journey...

I have begun a journey.

This journey has been 22 years in the making. Actually, I embarked on this journey quite a few times in the past 4 years, but quickly abandoned it due to difficulty, confusion, selfishness, hopelessness, or a sad combination of all of the above. And let me preface this now, dear reader, with the warning that this post might be painfully vague. That's because I have NO idea exactly what this journey is. Or where to. Or to what end. All I know is FROM WHERE it is. It is from HERE. It is from this place of settling, complacency, and unchanged life that I have been stuck in for, oh, about the past 20 years. I came to the day recently when I looked in the mirror, examining myself and my life, and said "So, how's it going? How's is going, REALLY?" And the man in the mirror answered back, "it's going...NOWHERE." Needless to say, I sat there and cried, for about 20 minutes. And yes, for all those fellow "Eat Pray Love" readers out there, I cried ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR. If there ever was a moment of pure, dire, intense revelation that you have become a pitiful, hopeless mess of a human being, THAT was it.

So, where does one go from there? Well, firstly to the freezer to get a pint of ice cream to binge my sorrows away... but then secondly I realized I should go to God. Yeah, that "God" guy. He always does seem to creep into my heart when I find myself flooding the floor with tears (which is a surprisingly common occurrence in my life). So I had a very frank talk with God. It went something like this:

Me: God, hey. So I've been putting this conversation off for a little bit."
Dang Holy Spirit convicting me: "Just a little bit?..."
Me: "Okay geez, for A WHILE."
God: "*smirking* that's better."
Me: "Seriously God, this is NOT funny."
God: "Why are you coming to Me now?"
Me: "I don't know who I am. Or where my life is going. And I'm so tired of walking around and feeling like my life is one giant question mark. One giant ball of confusion and chaos. I know I've ran from You and ran from total surrender, but I'm ready to try something new. I'm ready to try and give You my WHOLE heart for once. I just don't even know what this journey will look like, what I need to do, I'm so lost. Geez, I feel lost even on my journey to finding myself. How sad is that..."
God: "I understand. Just go on the journey. GO. I'll lead you one step at a time. Welcome."

So here I am. I'm taking on this revolutionary idea to surrender my fears, my dreams, my sins, my utter confusion with who I am, and the death grip I have on my comfortable, selfish, seemingly-good-but-actually-falling-completely-apart-at-the-seams life. Yeah, talk about a journey.

Many moments on this journey have been and will be me face-down on the floor seeking God. Crying out to Him and seeking Him to transform my mind, heart, and desires. I need to return to my First Love. I always knew I was holding onto some things in my life, but I could never even begin to fathom how to release them, how to live without them. I've always been jealous of those dang Christians with simple lives. You know, those ones who've never experienced a true metaphysical crisis which plagues them their entire life and provokes a deep inner conflict of faith and humanity. Yeah... welcome to my life. It's never been easy being me. But I always took pride in that I feel its made me stronger. But I want my faith to be simple. I mean, I want to be able to simply say "God is more than enough, He gives freedom, He is everything, and nothing else matters. So I'll let go of all my baggage and live in that freedom." But it's never been that easy. But this is my new journey. Of actually giving God the chance to show me that He IS those things. That it CAN be that way. I guess I never realized I didn't have the faith to believe it. Deep down I didn't believe God really COULD do all that for me. Huh.

Yesterday as I was reading "Eat Pray Love" I realized that I am in India. The peverbial "India" of Eat Pray Love. The season of life where one seeks newfound devotion, intimacy with the divine. I connect so well to that book because my life mirrors it so completely. Much like the author's journey from Italy to India, a year ago I was in my "Italy". It was college. A time of contentment, pleasure, simplicity, and joy. And now I'm in "India". A grueling time, yet one which will bring forth a renewal beyond what I can imagine.

So I'm emabarking on a new way of thinking, a new way of living, a new way of letting go. *deep breath* Here goes nothing...

Γύρο Από Τ' Όνειρο!

Debut of new Greek album from Elena Paparizou!
Ντεμπούτο του νέου άλμπουμ της 'Ελενας Παπαρίζου!

Όπως ο καθένας ξέρει, είμαι ο μεγαλύτερος ανεμιστήρας της 'Ελενας Παπαρίζου στον κόσμο, και αντλούμαι για την απελευθέρωση του τέταρτου ελληνικού λευκώματός της, Γύρο Από Τ'Oνειρο. Είναι ένα μίγμα λαϊκού, του βράχου, του εθνικού, και μουσικού ύφους techno. Και ΤΟ ΑΓΑΠΩ! Προτεινω των τραγουδιων "Φιλαρακια", "Ονειρο" "Ψαχνω Την Αληθεια" και "Αν Ησουνα Αγαπη". Αν επαν ενδιαφερόμενος στη δοκιμή της ξένης μουσικής, εγω το συστήνει τα ελληνικά, και το συστήνει τη 'Ελενα Παπαρίζου!

As everyone knows, I am the biggest fan of Elena Paparizou in the world, and I am pumped about the release of her fourth Greek album, Γύρο Από Τ' Όνειρο ("Around The Dream"). It is a mix of pop, rock, ethnic, and techno style. And I LOVE it! I recommend the songs: "Φιλαρακια" (Friends), "Ονειρο" (Dream) "Ψαχνω Την Αληθεια" (Looking For Truth) and "Αν Ησουνα Αγαπη" (If You Were Love). If you're interested in trying out foreign music, I'd recommend Greek, and I'd recommend Elena!

Humanity, there is hope for you yet...

Just a short post to proclaim that there is, indeed, still hope for humanity.

Just when you get bogged down at work, emotionally abused on the phone by rude, ruthless people, and you begin to lose hope in the future of humankind...you interact with a kind soul who reminds you that YES, there is hope still for humanity.

I just had such an interaction with a lovely Mexican family (the Duarte family). Let me tell you, there is nothing like a fun, kind, energetic latino family to lift your spirits. ;) There was nothing super extravagant about the conversation we had, it just blessed me to recieve a smile, a "thank you" (well, we spoke in Spanish, so it was a "muchas gracias"), and a sense that there still are genuinely good people in this world. And I am reminded how God has wired me to work cross-culturally; that He has called me to operate in such a setting, to serve others using foreign language, and that it blesses me like nothing else to be able to cross that cultural and linguistic border and show someone that I truly care about them and their family.

Gracias a TI Señor Duarte. :)

Eat. Pray. Love.

"One woman's search for everything across Italy, India and Indonesia." This is the premise of a book that you might not think I'd relate or connect particularly deeply with. au contraire... About two weeks ago my friend Jenni bought me this book, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. And let's just say that it is possibly the best book I've EVER read.

On almost every page I laugh, I cry, I reminisce, I FEEL. I love her thought process, her humor, her sense of self and search for...well, for EVERYTHING. I'm glad to know that someone else has been on that search other than me. Eat Pray Love follows the journey of Elizabeth Gilbert, a renowned New York writer who had a successful career, luxurious home, and marriage, but loses it all and begins an around-the-world journey to Italy, India and Indonesia in search of herself, God and other great mysteries of life. Set against the backdrop of 3 different cultures, Elizabeth searches to examine 3 different aspects of her nature: pleasure in Italy, devotion in India, and the balance of the two in Indonesia.

There are so many things I've learned already from this book, so many things that have made me laugh, tear up, etc. But I'll post only an example or two of each instance:

LAUGH:

"And, oh, the woes that traveling has inflicted on my digestive tract! In Lebanon I became so explosively ill one night that I could only imagine I'd contracted a Middle Eastern version of the Ebola virus. In Hungary, I suffered from an entirely different kind of bowel affliction, which changed forever the way I feel about the term "Soviet Bloc". But I have other bodily weaknesses, too. My back gave out on my first day of traveling in Africa, I was the only member of my party to emerge from the jungles of Venezuela with infected spider bites, and I ask of you - I beg of you! - who gets sunburned in Stockholm?! Really!?"

"Believe me, I am fully aware of the irony of going to Italy in pursuit of pleasure during a period of self-imposed celibacy. But I do think abstinence is the right thing for me at the moment. I was especially sure of it the night I could hear my upstairs neighbor having the longest, loudest, flesh-smackingest, bed-thumpingest, back-breakingest session of lovemaking I'd ever heard. This slam-dance went on for well over an hour, complete with hyperventilating sound effects and wild animal calls. I lay there only one floor below, alone and tired in my bed, and all I could think was, 'That sounds like an awful lot of work...'"

CRY:

"What I write in my journal tonight is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I'm scared they will never leave. I say that I don't want to take the drugs anymore, but I'm frightened I will have to. I'm terrified that I will never really pull my life together. In response, a voice, something from within me arose and whispered to me: "I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. No matter how you fall and fail, I will love you through that. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness, and nothing will ever exhaust me."

So basically I am loving this book. Loving the journey. I can so relate, and I feel like in so many ways I am in the exact same place, the exact same season of life that she was in when she wrote it. Well, EXCEPT for the fact that I'm stuck in central Ohio and she spent 4 months of her journey in Italy eating amazing food and surrounded by ridiculously beautiful people. jealous... But still, I'm loving the journey.

Farewell

Sitting alone in a quiet, still room. A candle and a lamp lightly illuminate a soft glow around the dark room. Dark, clear night sky. Soft music playing, the words seem to pierce right to my heart. I slowly fall to the floor, wrap my arms around myself and a blanket -my sole companion this night- and overcome by...by what I don't know. By something, and a tear begins to fall.

-Something feels different tonight. Life seems different. Is it just me? Reflecting on my journey, I feel like I can almost see what's ahead -if I close my eyes just a little tighter... almost there... Yet at the same time it seems so distant. Was everything I've been through meant to bring me to this time, to this moment. Why does everything seem just as elusive as back then? Is this what I'm meant for, what I'm meant to become? Why do I feel so alone and lost during these moments? I wish I knew how to quit you...


"Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me

So farewell my love
'Cause I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long
'Cause I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me

I never asked you for
A sailboat in the yard
Or that fancy dress to wear
Or a ceiling made of stars
And all I got was just this
Broken heart from you"

[Rosie Thomas - Farewell]

"A turning point?" *REVISITED*

So, I was urged by several people to revisit my previous post "A turning point?" and maybe talk a little more about it. Apparently it was "too deep", "too vague".

Well, processing it a little more, in retrospect I think part of what I mainly wanted to communicate was that I'm just tired of seeing the Body of Christ invalidate, demean, and diminish the legitimacy of hurt, struggle, pain, LIFE. Christians love labels. We love to place big fat stickers on people and issues that say simply: "RIGHT", "WRONG", "YOU LOSE", or "WE WIN". They love to win arguments. To be right. And in doing so completely embody the antithesis of Jesus' approach to people. He came in "grace and truth". Seems to me like we're a little heavy on the "truth" and a little light with the "grace".

I'm just saying that people, issues, and life are more complex than the Body says they are. As one who lives amidst the complexity, I can say that it's time everyone else legitimizes the fact that there IS gray area. There is an in between place. And for God sake, it's time everyone stops cloaking their judgment, pointing fingers, and refusal to even try listening to the other side of the argument with that classic guise "oh, well the Bible is clear on this issue." Since when did the Bible nullify compassion?

I've met some amazing people lately. People who love God, and are trying to live for Him. But they're also people that a vast number of Christians would shy away from, would rebuke without first showing love and compassion simply because they DON'T UNDERSTAND them and their issue. -and their lack of understanding manifests into fear, and fear into righteous indignation. Call me a radical, but I believe Jesus would have more of an issue with THOSE people than with the ones they're judging.

And can we PLEASE actually have a courageous conversation about all this? I mean seriously, so often we start discussing and then the other side goes, "oh this is just too uncomfortable, too "deep". You just need to pray more or something..." -REALLY?! Are we just afraid that we MIGHT have to perhaps admit being wrong, admit there's more than the surface level?

I don't know. These are just my thoughts...

A turning point?...

"They never tell you, truth is subjective.
They only tell you, not to lie.
They never tell you, there's strength in vulnerability.
They only tell you, not to cry.
They never tell you, you don't need to be ashamed.
They only tell you, to deny.
I'm finding something else to learn..."

-Gary Jules "Something Else"

I think if I waited any longer to write this post I was going to explode. Way too much on my mind and no time to decompartmentalize. I've had such an interesting past 2 weeks; so much happening in my life. So many new thoughts, questions, queries, confusion. I've felt very "in a fog" for much of these past 2 weeks. But at the same time, so much does seem clear. And there have been so many amazing moments, too.

As my last post describes, I've found a new community. New friends. And I love it. I truly do. They are wonderful, amazing people who love God and are trying to live for Him in this crazy life. Together we saw the film "Lord, Save Us From Your Followers". And wow, I was BLOWN AWAY. It's an incredible film for both Christians and non-Christians; but honestly, I think that Christians are the ones really in need of seeing it in some ways. It was about how the Gospel of Love is diving America. The "Culture War" between "conservative Christians" and the "godless liberal leftists" and issues like abortion, gay marriage, church and state, and poverty. It was EYE-OPENING, CONVICTING, CHALLENGING, HURTFUL, AND ENCOURAGING. So many incredible interviews and quotes (I was trying to remember EVERYTHING Tony Campolo said; it was profound). It's just got me thinking about a lot. Here's some great quotes from it:

>"It's too easy to sit back and criticize things you don't know about and much more difficult to search for truth - and, yes, I'm applying that to myself first."

>"And when I realized all my objections were fear-based, I tried to talk my mind into believing that there was something to this I just didn't understand yet...and the fear must be confronted. Maybe I'd understand later, but staying home because I was afraid of the unknown, afraid of the adventure, or really, afraid of what God might be trying to teach me, would not be acceptable."

>"Our tendency to reduce the gospel of Jesus to a couple of isolated issues, our willingness to oversimplify this complex life just so we can be right and win an argument is, as a smart person would say, antiethical to Jesus' teachings."

>"In First John it talks about how Jesus came in "truth and grace". Seems like we might be a little heavy on the "truth" and a little light with the "grace"."

>"It's hard to know what God's will is for us because our will kind of likes to run the show."

>"The only thing strident arrogance is good for is hardening hearts, fostering resentment, and creating animosity."

Secondly, I've been having so many of those moments where you're just in awe of what your life has become. Like, hanging out with these new friends, having amazing late-night vulnerable conversation, and driving home listening to music like Rosie Thomas - "All My Life" and Gary Jules - "Something Else", and thinking to myself, "wow, this is my moment. this is my life. how did i get here? what is to come of these new questions, new insights, new journey?... I don't know, but I do know that I do enjoy this. I love this journey, no matter how hard or confusing it is. And although I sometimes (or often times) don't understand God, myself, or my life, I will choose to live amidst the fog."

What's up with me and having these random 20s life crises?... Hmm. I just have realized some things about life. About people. And about myself. I'm not sure how I feel about it all yet, but I can't deny what I have learned is truth. Some people won't see it that way, but that's because it's not their reality. They'll never fully know. So, what lies ahead? Good question. I don't know. And I'm starting to not care. To not care about perceptions, persona, image, or a fantasized fairytale ending that I honestly don't see coming. I don't know...

"I've been waiting all my life,
Waiting for you to come.
I've been traveling and wandering
Alone on my own for too long.
I swear I tried to convince myself
It would be much easier being alone.
But after running circle after circle
I'm tired of being on my own.
I've been waiting all my life..."

-Rosie Thomas "All My Life"

That verse from that song really paints a clear picture of a lot of what I'm thinking and trying to get across, I think. I wonder if this will just be another one of those nights I write something like this and look back on it one year, two years, ten years from now and think: "huh, that was just a phase. just a weird night. now i'm here, passed that." --or is it more than that? is this a turning point? I guess we'll see...