It always finds me when I don't expect it...

There are moments when this journey gets so tough. So tough to believe. To hope. To hold on. An unassuming day, waiting around an unexpected corner, you catch a glance of a face, a smile, and you're pulled in. You're drawn. You're feeling all those same things again. And it feels so good to get a second glance, a smile, a laugh. You haven't felt that in a while, that sense that you caused someone to look twice. Captivated them. And they captivate you. But my yearning for relationship, for love, has always seemed to lead me into playing with fire. But maybe I'm accustomed to getting burned. It's all I know. Why does it seem so nice, yet so hard? I'm not supposed to want this. To seek this. But it's hard on moments like this, when I don't get it from anyone else. And I realize just how much I desire it. I wish it was so different. But it's not. At least not yet. Honestly, part of me wishes on days like this that there was one, just ONE exception...

"And I’ve always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk...

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
The only exception

I’ve got a tight grip on reality
But I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here
I know you’re leaving
In the morning, when you wake up,
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

And you are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I’m on my way to believing
Oh, I’m on my way to believing..."

You had me at "Yassou"...

So this weekend was the annual Greek Festival in Columbus, and as always, I was there every night, eating, dancing, eating, celebrating, dancing, and eating some more. This is probably my favorite weekend of the year. I love going downtown to our beautiful Greek Orthodox Church and celebrating my Greek culture with the rest of the Greek community. There is such a spirit of joy, love, family, and LIFE in that place. Oh yeah, and the smell of delicious roasted lamb...

After 2 days of hanging out at the festival from around 4:30pm-midnight (no joke), I had a revelation: There is no doubt in my mind..... I WILL MARRY A GREEK GIRL. It's just a given, a fact, a undeniable, unmistakable, truth of the universe. Just sayin'.

Saturday night around 11:30pm when the party is REALLY happening on the dance area, the band played a song to which you dance the "καλαματιανο" (kalamatiano) -the most traditional folk dance of Greece. Several dance circles had formed and I quickly jumped into one. About 5 dance steps in I noticed the dancer to my right whose hand I was holding. Let's just say it was probably the prettiest Greek girl at the festival-and that's saying something, because well, helllooo it's a GREEK festival-i.e. GORGEOUS people. She turned her head and looked at me and smiled. I melted. She leaned towards me and said "Yassou" (Greek for 'hello'). I melted more. We continued dancing, shouting OPA, and sneaking glances. When the song ended, a beautiful middle-aged lady who was dancing in our circle (on the other side of my new-found Greek love) camp over to me and said "You're a great dancer! My name is Maria, this is my daughter Ana."-pointing to my girl. PERFECT. I've now already met her Mom, and she seems lovely. I can almost hear the wedding bells...

But as quickly as it began, it was over. We exchanged "nice to meet you"s, final glances and smiles, and she disappeared with her Mom into the midnight. I just stood there, looked up to the starry sky, closed my eyes and smiled a smile of deep contentment. I hope to see her again, but whether I do or not, it was a great moment for me. And I thanked God for the girl He has planned for me. Yassou, my love...

Taken by LOVE: the story of my journey

"You pulled me from the grave, wrapped me in Your arms. Jesus, You have won my heart! You save me. You set me free. Forever, Savior You will rescue me. Forgiven. Now I will say: forever, Savior, You have rescued me!"

This is my story. And what a journey it has been. Those closest to me have gone along this journey with me, praying, believing, crying, supporting -and often all at the same time. For a brief moment I paused to question how honest and real I should be in the post. And I decided that it would be an injustice to the work God has done, to the testimony He has given me, to sugarcoat it or go surface level with it. And I thank you in advance, friend, for taking the time to read it all. So here it is:

For most of my life I felt different. I didn't fit in when everyone else seemed to. I had different interests, a different style, a different personality. As a result of various social and environmental factors, but above all, a result of deep hurt and lack of true love and acceptance, when I entered high school I began to realize that I longed for male intimacy and acceptance. Everyone around me and all the feelings inside me told me that I must be gay. Although I always felt a strong innate struggle with this realization, I kept falling into that life.

Then came college. It was a time of great spiritual rebirth in my life because of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and a community of friends that I now consider to be family and among the most cherished people in my life. But it was still there. A brokenness that lurked behind the mask I so often had to wear. At times I forgot about it. But at times, it was suffocating. I had times of victory. Times of defeat. Through it all, I knew God loved me and I knew I was a Christian, but I felt like a fake. I must not love Him enough, or not be "spiritual" enough because this thing has not left me yet. Those were my thoughts. And they ate at me like a cancer. My senior year I met someone. I began to fall in love. And I gave so much of me and my heart to him. But it ended horribly, as is so often the story with homosexual relationships. So I graduated, excited, nervous, and feeling more broken than ever.

This past year, my first year out of college, was a time of self-discovery. A time to choose my path. Who am I? What do I want? What is my identity? This past year was my metaphorical year of "Eat Pray Love". I had moments of "Eat": I began to enjoy the true and simple beauty of LIFE again-food, friends, travel. I had moments of "Pray": I sought God, sought out who He is and who I am in Him. I had great moments of realization and victory, and moments of doubt, fear, and regression. For those friends who have gone on this journey with me, during this time the spiritual battle was so evident, so real, and so strong. I think we all could feel a resolution was on the horizon. Something was about to happen. And something DID happen...

Last Saturday I returned home following 3 weeks out of state for training for my new job. Those 3 weeks were a time when I was away from everyone, away from all voices of pressure, from all agendas, and it allowed me to truly find ME. And I did. I came home knowing who I wanted to be. Knowing that I wanted to make a change. I was done. I was tired of the struggle. Tired of everything. And then it was Sunday. Oh, Sunday...

The church service seemed regular enough. Nothing special or out of the ordinary. But then God showed up at the very end. The Holy Spirit fell upon my dad as he was closing the service, and he began to weep and speak out that there are people here who are not born again and want a life-change, and God is here and waiting. And then, all around me, people began to weep. You could feel the heaviness in the room. And I could feel God impressing upon my heart. So I went forward to the altar. And then my dad touched me and began to pray for me. Before he got 5 words out we had both collapsed into each others' arms and were sobbing. I could feel the Holy Spirit. My dad whispered in my ear: "feel His heartbeat. Open yourself up to Him. Feel His heartbeat just like you feel mine right now. I haven't always been the best father, but He is. Your Father is. You CAN trust Him, Nick. I love you." And it was then that I opened up my heart, for the first time, to allow God to have me-ALL of me. To do with me as He wished. And what He did was beautiful. I literally FELT His arms of love wrap around me. I felt the sweet peace of the Holy Spirit come over me. I felt the Holy Spirit come into me like never before. Every hurt and absence of love from men growing up was CONQUERED in that moment. In that embrace from the Father. And the whole time I kept hearing Him say to me: "I am so jealous for you. I have been for 22 years, following you along this journey. I want you. I want to be your lover. Your savior. Your healer. Your redeemer. I am jealous for you." And I noticed that all around me were people touching me and praying for me-many were sobbing, and I suddenly felt like all my hurt and pain and shame was being passed to them-they could SEE and FEEL all that I had gone through. And then came JOY. We all began to hug and hold each other, and everyone started saying "you are home, Nick. Oh thank you, Father. Thank you, Jesus!" I was BORN AGAIN! In that moment, God rescued me! I felt it. And we all felt the shift, from brokenness to redemption. And we celebrated! It was an incredible moment. I felt alive and free and saved for the first time!

I am born again. I am not the same. There IS healing from homosexuality. There IS freedom. And I am experiencing it. God is healing me, renewing my mind, and placing NEW desires in my heart. I am BORN AGAIN! I am SAVED! I am FREE! I cry every time I even say it. I just feel NEW. I feel ALIVE like never before. And I am embarking on such an amazing new relationship with God. So, I experienced "Eat" and "Pray"-but what about the final chapter of my journey: "Love"? That is where I am now. Entering this new chapter of my life, this new journey, and I'm so looking forward to the result of that chapter: meeting the one God has prepared for me - my love, my future wife. Attraversiamo: "let's cross over..."

Sunday, August 15th, 2010: I was TAKEN BY HIS LOVE.

A time for rediscovering...

3 weeks. I have been given 3 weeks to get away. Away from home, away from friends, away from agendas and pressure and confusion. I am in Northampton, Mass, for my main training for my new job with CIS. And this break from life comes at a PERFECT time. I'd just come from a sort of rough time at home, and I am dedicating this 3-week trip as a time to REDISCOVER ME. Who I am. What I want. To not have any voices telling me what to do or who to be or what to want. But to begin to hear MY voice. I've been looking forward to this.

I've been here for a full week now. And the journey is wonderful. I am happy. No, better-I am content. I am satisfied. I am joyful. I am at peace with myself and the world. I am living. Living MY life.

"Spring Awakening"

I think once in a lifetime maybe, a musical or play comes along that hits you so hard you feel like you've been punched in the gut. You get all choked up and for a moment while you're watching it you realize you're not breathing. Wicked is that very musical for a lot of people. For me, it is Spring Awakening.

I recently rediscovered my soundtrack album for the musical, and rewatched the show itself on a recording of the original cast performing it that I downloaded off the internet. And I was blown away. I am amazed at how much I connect to that musical, to its message, to the heartbeat of the characters. I can so relate to so many of them. Spring Awakening has been my life journey in a lot of ways. It really is such a beautiful, raw, and real deptiction of young people's journey of identity, sexuality, tragedy, and triumph.

Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
Their song still seems to find you

They call you as if you knew their longing
They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling

All alone, but still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning
The stars too, they tell of spring returning
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You fold his hands and smooth his tie
You gently lift his chin
Were you really so blind
And unkind to him?

Can't help the urge to touch, to kiss
To hold him once again
Now to close his eyes
Never open them

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home

All things you never did are left behind
All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind
And all his dad had hoped he'd know

The talks you never had
The Saturdays you never spent
All the grown-up places
You never went

And all of the crying
You wouldn't understand
You just let him cry
Make a man out of him

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home.

Noho, Boating, and 3-Day Weekend: Updates on life

So it's been a while since I've written a new post, and SO much has been happening in my life that I HAVE to get it out for you all to hear (all 3 of you who might read my blog, lol). Let's start from the beginning:

1. NOHO:
Northampton (Noho), Massachusetts -cool, progressive, liberal, academic city in western Massachusetts, and home to the corporate office of CIS Abroad, the study abroad agency with which I am now OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) Yes, dear reader, I officially have not only a grown up job in the field that I've been trying to get into (international education), but a GREAT job at that. CIS (Center for International Studies) has been on the frontier of education abroad for the past 10 years and is one of the most cutting edge, growing agencies in the industry. I'd been interviewing for the position of University Relations Rep for the Midwest and got the offer as the top candidate of over 100 applications! (wow!) So they flew me to Noho to tour the office, meet everyone, and officially sign the offer. It was amazing. Such a cool city, great coworkers, incredible organization. I feel so blessed. My post-college life seems to have finally begun. I'm so excited. I start in late July with a month of training in Colorado. :)

2. Boating/Tubing:
On Saturday I went with my friends Shaun, Aubrey, Katie Tracy, and Ray to Alum Creek to go boating and tubing...and it was INCREDIBLE! So much freakin fun!!! Let me tell you, it was like THE PERFECT DAY. Sunny, warm, and just laying on the boat sunbathing, listening to music, and then riding on the tube attached to the rope on the end of the boat, laughing and enjoying good friends...it was perfection. One of those, "wow, thank you God for this moment" kind of days. Life is good. :) (pics up on Facebook)

3. Memorial 3-Day Weekend:
I had probably the great 3-day weekend EVER. Starting with boating on Saturday, then Sunday and Monday hanging out with the whole group of friends over at our friends' John and Staci's house, it was just a weekend full of laughter and joy. Such a blessing to realize that you have such amazing friends in your life. It was truly great. What a journey. :)

"Attraversiamo"...

Attraversiamo, Italian for "Let's cross over", this was the last line in Eat Pray Love, the book I've been reading. Sunday night I stayed up and finished it. Wow. Incredible. I kept prolonging the end, reading the last few pages extra slowly, enjoying every last second of the journey. But I realized that my personal journey which began coincidentally the same time I began the book will continue long after I finish it.

This theme of "crossing over" has been prevelant through the book, and my life latley. Crossing over through Italy, my season of pleaure, enjoyment, simple utter contentment. Crossing through India, my time of seeking God, seeking devotion with Him and what it means to live and love. And then crossing over into Indonesia, into a revelation of BALANCE, what it means to balance being in this world of mine-my desires, my questions, my identity struggles - with my faith and my relationship with God. Principally the balance of feeling like I have to justify my faith because of my sexuality. It's an awful conflict feeling like your love for God and effort to live for Him is invalid now because you happen to wrestle with this one issue.

But it's a journey. And there's good days and bad ones. I'm just grateful that I've learned so much about myself and my life through journeying along with Elizabeth Gilbert on Eat Pray Love. It's been an amazing time reading that book, and the journey's only just begun...

Pleasure, Devotion, Balance

I feel like there's so much I'm still processing, so much I'm still sorting out on this new journey. I've got so much in my head but I don't know how to put into words, let alone on this blog. So here's what I've been thinking about most lately:

The parallel connections between my life and the book I'm reading, Eat Pray Love. (*see earlier post below*)

I've realized that my metaphorical Italy was last year, my final year of college at UE. Much like the author's time in Italy, for me it was a season of pleasure, of pure contentment, of simple enjoyment of life. Then Elizabeth Gilbert travels to India in pursuit of the divine. And that is where I am now. In India, seeking God, seeking out who He is and what it means to fall in love with Him again. I'm learning new things about myself, accepting new things. I'm in a season of revelation, of discovery. It's hard at times. But it's worth it.

And then comes Indonesia... that's where I'm at in the book right now. And I can see the application to my life already. Her time in Indonesia was in pursuit of balance; balance between worldly enjoyment and spiritual devotion. Although I'm in my India, for me it seems to intrinsically overlap in some ways with my metaphorical Indonesia. I'm in the middle of my pursuit of BALANCE; figuring out how to balance who I am, my identity, my sexuality-with my faith, my spiritual devotion and relationship with God. That complicated dichotomy is where I am right now. Yeah...this is gonna be a long journey...

Maybe someday...

I think I've spent most of my life running. Running from self-acceptance, self-worth, and affirmation and love from God and others. So afraid that someone might come to know anything about me at all. Running, day and night. Running. But days come, days like today, when I realize...I can't do it anymore. I won't. I can't run another step. But days like today, when I dare to show my brokenness, let the tears fall, and say "I don't understand this, but I just need someone to love me and let my tears fall on your shoulder", I see that it's worth it. To acknowledge that I am so lost and confused, but I'm trying. With ALL that I am, I'm trying and have been for 22 years. And I just needed someone to try, to try and believe in ME. That I don't have any of this figured out, but someday it will all come to an end, and until that day I'm going to live my life for God; not knowing what that looks like or even how to begin to understand that journey. But I'm trying. And to my dear friend who loved me enough today to be that shoulder, that loving hug, those words of love and affirmation...I THANK YOU. You will never know how much that heals. Thank you. You know who you are.

Driving home this morning, looking at the sky and the bright sunshine beaming down, I said to God, "I don't know the reasons why, I don't know the plan, I don't know the purpose, and let me tell you it SUCKS sometimes...but I thank you for who I am. And for my friend who loved me today. And I know that I'm not alone on this journey; You are here and always will be. I might not understand it or even like it at times, but I'm done hating myself. Done being ashamed. Done accepting the lie that I am a mistake. I'm not an accident, and I'm proud of the things in my personality and self make-up that make me special and different. YOU made me and LOVE me. And I accept who I am finally and embrace the man I am. And that's a complicated statement given the circumstances, but I'll leave that up to You. Just help me. Thank You. These temporary troubles and sufferings are preparing for us an eternal glory. Someday..."


"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday"

A new start on an old journey...

I have begun a journey.

This journey has been 22 years in the making. Actually, I embarked on this journey quite a few times in the past 4 years, but quickly abandoned it due to difficulty, confusion, selfishness, hopelessness, or a sad combination of all of the above. And let me preface this now, dear reader, with the warning that this post might be painfully vague. That's because I have NO idea exactly what this journey is. Or where to. Or to what end. All I know is FROM WHERE it is. It is from HERE. It is from this place of settling, complacency, and unchanged life that I have been stuck in for, oh, about the past 20 years. I came to the day recently when I looked in the mirror, examining myself and my life, and said "So, how's it going? How's is going, REALLY?" And the man in the mirror answered back, "it's going...NOWHERE." Needless to say, I sat there and cried, for about 20 minutes. And yes, for all those fellow "Eat Pray Love" readers out there, I cried ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR. If there ever was a moment of pure, dire, intense revelation that you have become a pitiful, hopeless mess of a human being, THAT was it.

So, where does one go from there? Well, firstly to the freezer to get a pint of ice cream to binge my sorrows away... but then secondly I realized I should go to God. Yeah, that "God" guy. He always does seem to creep into my heart when I find myself flooding the floor with tears (which is a surprisingly common occurrence in my life). So I had a very frank talk with God. It went something like this:

Me: God, hey. So I've been putting this conversation off for a little bit."
Dang Holy Spirit convicting me: "Just a little bit?..."
Me: "Okay geez, for A WHILE."
God: "*smirking* that's better."
Me: "Seriously God, this is NOT funny."
God: "Why are you coming to Me now?"
Me: "I don't know who I am. Or where my life is going. And I'm so tired of walking around and feeling like my life is one giant question mark. One giant ball of confusion and chaos. I know I've ran from You and ran from total surrender, but I'm ready to try something new. I'm ready to try and give You my WHOLE heart for once. I just don't even know what this journey will look like, what I need to do, I'm so lost. Geez, I feel lost even on my journey to finding myself. How sad is that..."
God: "I understand. Just go on the journey. GO. I'll lead you one step at a time. Welcome."

So here I am. I'm taking on this revolutionary idea to surrender my fears, my dreams, my sins, my utter confusion with who I am, and the death grip I have on my comfortable, selfish, seemingly-good-but-actually-falling-completely-apart-at-the-seams life. Yeah, talk about a journey.

Many moments on this journey have been and will be me face-down on the floor seeking God. Crying out to Him and seeking Him to transform my mind, heart, and desires. I need to return to my First Love. I always knew I was holding onto some things in my life, but I could never even begin to fathom how to release them, how to live without them. I've always been jealous of those dang Christians with simple lives. You know, those ones who've never experienced a true metaphysical crisis which plagues them their entire life and provokes a deep inner conflict of faith and humanity. Yeah... welcome to my life. It's never been easy being me. But I always took pride in that I feel its made me stronger. But I want my faith to be simple. I mean, I want to be able to simply say "God is more than enough, He gives freedom, He is everything, and nothing else matters. So I'll let go of all my baggage and live in that freedom." But it's never been that easy. But this is my new journey. Of actually giving God the chance to show me that He IS those things. That it CAN be that way. I guess I never realized I didn't have the faith to believe it. Deep down I didn't believe God really COULD do all that for me. Huh.

Yesterday as I was reading "Eat Pray Love" I realized that I am in India. The peverbial "India" of Eat Pray Love. The season of life where one seeks newfound devotion, intimacy with the divine. I connect so well to that book because my life mirrors it so completely. Much like the author's journey from Italy to India, a year ago I was in my "Italy". It was college. A time of contentment, pleasure, simplicity, and joy. And now I'm in "India". A grueling time, yet one which will bring forth a renewal beyond what I can imagine.

So I'm emabarking on a new way of thinking, a new way of living, a new way of letting go. *deep breath* Here goes nothing...