Just to be with you...

11:05pm. I'm sitting here, and you're somewhere. And I can't do anything but think of you. So here's my note to you, my love...

I still remember that day we met, the very second that I first laid eyes on you. And I remember stumbling over my words, speechless, instantly captivated by you. I remember falling asleep to that beautiful music playing in the background, and knowing that I had never in my life felt so at peace. So perfectly loved. And I remember that you fell asleep and I just looked at you, watching you sleep. And I shed a tear or two. Simply overcome by you. Do you know just how much I am in love with you? You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last thought on my heart when I close my eyes at night. You are everything to me.

I can't imagine my life without you in it now. I have done so much to choose you, I hope you see. I've sacrificed and let go, and now I'm yours. I would give anything to have you here with me right now. I wish I could just hold your face in my hands again. There's just something about you. I know I tell you everyday, but I hope you know more than anything, just how completely in love with you I am.
Goodnight, Andrew.

"I've been alone so many nights now,
And I've been waiting for the stars to fall.
I keep holding out for what I don't know
To be with you, just to be with you.

So here I am staring at the moon tonight,
Wondering how you look in this light.
Maybe you're somewhere thinking about me too.
To be with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do.

And I can't imagine two worlds spinning apart
Come together eventually.
And when we finally meet, I'll know it's right.
I'll be at the end of my restless road.
But this journey, it was worth the fight.
To be with you, just to be with you..."

Anything to be with you...

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Every time you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

Ryan Cabrera - True

Mine.

You were in college working part-time, waiting tables
Left a small town and never looked back
I was a flight risk, with the fear of falling
Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts...

I say, "Can you believe it?"
As we're lying on the couch
The moment, I can see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now...

Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Flash forward, and we're taking on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learned my secrets and you figured out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes

But we got bills to pay
We got nothing figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes
This is what I thought about:

Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

And I remember that fight, 2:30AM
You said everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye, 'cause that's all I've ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, "I'll never leave you alone."

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water.
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time.
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter.
She is the best thing that's ever been mine."

Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it

I can see it now...

It always finds me when I don't expect it...

There are moments when this journey gets so tough. So tough to believe. To hope. To hold on. An unassuming day, waiting around an unexpected corner, you catch a glance of a face, a smile, and you're pulled in. You're drawn. You're feeling all those same things again. And it feels so good to get a second glance, a smile, a laugh. You haven't felt that in a while, that sense that you caused someone to look twice. Captivated them. And they captivate you. But my yearning for relationship, for love, has always seemed to lead me into playing with fire. But maybe I'm accustomed to getting burned. It's all I know. Why does it seem so nice, yet so hard? I'm not supposed to want this. To seek this. But it's hard on moments like this, when I don't get it from anyone else. And I realize just how much I desire it. I wish it was so different. But it's not. At least not yet. Honestly, part of me wishes on days like this that there was one, just ONE exception...

"And I’ve always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk...

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
The only exception

I’ve got a tight grip on reality
But I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here
I know you’re leaving
In the morning, when you wake up,
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

And you are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I’m on my way to believing
Oh, I’m on my way to believing..."

You had me at "Yassou"...

So this weekend was the annual Greek Festival in Columbus, and as always, I was there every night, eating, dancing, eating, celebrating, dancing, and eating some more. This is probably my favorite weekend of the year. I love going downtown to our beautiful Greek Orthodox Church and celebrating my Greek culture with the rest of the Greek community. There is such a spirit of joy, love, family, and LIFE in that place. Oh yeah, and the smell of delicious roasted lamb...

After 2 days of hanging out at the festival from around 4:30pm-midnight (no joke), I had a revelation: There is no doubt in my mind..... I WILL MARRY A GREEK GIRL. It's just a given, a fact, a undeniable, unmistakable, truth of the universe. Just sayin'.

Saturday night around 11:30pm when the party is REALLY happening on the dance area, the band played a song to which you dance the "καλαματιανο" (kalamatiano) -the most traditional folk dance of Greece. Several dance circles had formed and I quickly jumped into one. About 5 dance steps in I noticed the dancer to my right whose hand I was holding. Let's just say it was probably the prettiest Greek girl at the festival-and that's saying something, because well, helllooo it's a GREEK festival-i.e. GORGEOUS people. She turned her head and looked at me and smiled. I melted. She leaned towards me and said "Yassou" (Greek for 'hello'). I melted more. We continued dancing, shouting OPA, and sneaking glances. When the song ended, a beautiful middle-aged lady who was dancing in our circle (on the other side of my new-found Greek love) camp over to me and said "You're a great dancer! My name is Maria, this is my daughter Ana."-pointing to my girl. PERFECT. I've now already met her Mom, and she seems lovely. I can almost hear the wedding bells...

But as quickly as it began, it was over. We exchanged "nice to meet you"s, final glances and smiles, and she disappeared with her Mom into the midnight. I just stood there, looked up to the starry sky, closed my eyes and smiled a smile of deep contentment. I hope to see her again, but whether I do or not, it was a great moment for me. And I thanked God for the girl He has planned for me. Yassou, my love...

Taken by LOVE: the story of my journey

"You pulled me from the grave, wrapped me in Your arms. Jesus, You have won my heart! You save me. You set me free. Forever, Savior You will rescue me. Forgiven. Now I will say: forever, Savior, You have rescued me!"

This is my story. And what a journey it has been. Those closest to me have gone along this journey with me, praying, believing, crying, supporting -and often all at the same time. For a brief moment I paused to question how honest and real I should be in the post. And I decided that it would be an injustice to the work God has done, to the testimony He has given me, to sugarcoat it or go surface level with it. And I thank you in advance, friend, for taking the time to read it all. So here it is:

For most of my life I felt different. I didn't fit in when everyone else seemed to. I had different interests, a different style, a different personality. As a result of various social and environmental factors, but above all, a result of deep hurt and lack of true love and acceptance, when I entered high school I began to realize that I longed for male intimacy and acceptance. Everyone around me and all the feelings inside me told me that I must be gay. Although I always felt a strong innate struggle with this realization, I kept falling into that life.

Then came college. It was a time of great spiritual rebirth in my life because of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and a community of friends that I now consider to be family and among the most cherished people in my life. But it was still there. A brokenness that lurked behind the mask I so often had to wear. At times I forgot about it. But at times, it was suffocating. I had times of victory. Times of defeat. Through it all, I knew God loved me and I knew I was a Christian, but I felt like a fake. I must not love Him enough, or not be "spiritual" enough because this thing has not left me yet. Those were my thoughts. And they ate at me like a cancer. My senior year I met someone. I began to fall in love. And I gave so much of me and my heart to him. But it ended horribly, as is so often the story with homosexual relationships. So I graduated, excited, nervous, and feeling more broken than ever.

This past year, my first year out of college, was a time of self-discovery. A time to choose my path. Who am I? What do I want? What is my identity? This past year was my metaphorical year of "Eat Pray Love". I had moments of "Eat": I began to enjoy the true and simple beauty of LIFE again-food, friends, travel. I had moments of "Pray": I sought God, sought out who He is and who I am in Him. I had great moments of realization and victory, and moments of doubt, fear, and regression. For those friends who have gone on this journey with me, during this time the spiritual battle was so evident, so real, and so strong. I think we all could feel a resolution was on the horizon. Something was about to happen. And something DID happen...

Last Saturday I returned home following 3 weeks out of state for training for my new job. Those 3 weeks were a time when I was away from everyone, away from all voices of pressure, from all agendas, and it allowed me to truly find ME. And I did. I came home knowing who I wanted to be. Knowing that I wanted to make a change. I was done. I was tired of the struggle. Tired of everything. And then it was Sunday. Oh, Sunday...

The church service seemed regular enough. Nothing special or out of the ordinary. But then God showed up at the very end. The Holy Spirit fell upon my dad as he was closing the service, and he began to weep and speak out that there are people here who are not born again and want a life-change, and God is here and waiting. And then, all around me, people began to weep. You could feel the heaviness in the room. And I could feel God impressing upon my heart. So I went forward to the altar. And then my dad touched me and began to pray for me. Before he got 5 words out we had both collapsed into each others' arms and were sobbing. I could feel the Holy Spirit. My dad whispered in my ear: "feel His heartbeat. Open yourself up to Him. Feel His heartbeat just like you feel mine right now. I haven't always been the best father, but He is. Your Father is. You CAN trust Him, Nick. I love you." And it was then that I opened up my heart, for the first time, to allow God to have me-ALL of me. To do with me as He wished. And what He did was beautiful. I literally FELT His arms of love wrap around me. I felt the sweet peace of the Holy Spirit come over me. I felt the Holy Spirit come into me like never before. Every hurt and absence of love from men growing up was CONQUERED in that moment. In that embrace from the Father. And the whole time I kept hearing Him say to me: "I am so jealous for you. I have been for 22 years, following you along this journey. I want you. I want to be your lover. Your savior. Your healer. Your redeemer. I am jealous for you." And I noticed that all around me were people touching me and praying for me-many were sobbing, and I suddenly felt like all my hurt and pain and shame was being passed to them-they could SEE and FEEL all that I had gone through. And then came JOY. We all began to hug and hold each other, and everyone started saying "you are home, Nick. Oh thank you, Father. Thank you, Jesus!" I was BORN AGAIN! In that moment, God rescued me! I felt it. And we all felt the shift, from brokenness to redemption. And we celebrated! It was an incredible moment. I felt alive and free and saved for the first time!

I am born again. I am not the same. There IS healing from homosexuality. There IS freedom. And I am experiencing it. God is healing me, renewing my mind, and placing NEW desires in my heart. I am BORN AGAIN! I am SAVED! I am FREE! I cry every time I even say it. I just feel NEW. I feel ALIVE like never before. And I am embarking on such an amazing new relationship with God. So, I experienced "Eat" and "Pray"-but what about the final chapter of my journey: "Love"? That is where I am now. Entering this new chapter of my life, this new journey, and I'm so looking forward to the result of that chapter: meeting the one God has prepared for me - my love, my future wife. Attraversiamo: "let's cross over..."

Sunday, August 15th, 2010: I was TAKEN BY HIS LOVE.

A time for rediscovering...

3 weeks. I have been given 3 weeks to get away. Away from home, away from friends, away from agendas and pressure and confusion. I am in Northampton, Mass, for my main training for my new job with CIS. And this break from life comes at a PERFECT time. I'd just come from a sort of rough time at home, and I am dedicating this 3-week trip as a time to REDISCOVER ME. Who I am. What I want. To not have any voices telling me what to do or who to be or what to want. But to begin to hear MY voice. I've been looking forward to this.

I've been here for a full week now. And the journey is wonderful. I am happy. No, better-I am content. I am satisfied. I am joyful. I am at peace with myself and the world. I am living. Living MY life.

"Spring Awakening"

I think once in a lifetime maybe, a musical or play comes along that hits you so hard you feel like you've been punched in the gut. You get all choked up and for a moment while you're watching it you realize you're not breathing. Wicked is that very musical for a lot of people. For me, it is Spring Awakening.

I recently rediscovered my soundtrack album for the musical, and rewatched the show itself on a recording of the original cast performing it that I downloaded off the internet. And I was blown away. I am amazed at how much I connect to that musical, to its message, to the heartbeat of the characters. I can so relate to so many of them. Spring Awakening has been my life journey in a lot of ways. It really is such a beautiful, raw, and real deptiction of young people's journey of identity, sexuality, tragedy, and triumph.

Those you’ve known
And lost, still walk behind you
All alone
Their song still seems to find you

They call you as if you knew their longing
They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling

All alone, but still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning
The stars too, they tell of spring returning
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You fold his hands and smooth his tie
You gently lift his chin
Were you really so blind
And unkind to him?

Can't help the urge to touch, to kiss
To hold him once again
Now to close his eyes
Never open them

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home

All things you never did are left behind
All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind
And all his dad had hoped he'd know

The talks you never had
The Saturdays you never spent
All the grown-up places
You never went

And all of the crying
You wouldn't understand
You just let him cry
Make a man out of him

A shadow passed, a shadow passed
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home.

Noho, Boating, and 3-Day Weekend: Updates on life

So it's been a while since I've written a new post, and SO much has been happening in my life that I HAVE to get it out for you all to hear (all 3 of you who might read my blog, lol). Let's start from the beginning:

1. NOHO:
Northampton (Noho), Massachusetts -cool, progressive, liberal, academic city in western Massachusetts, and home to the corporate office of CIS Abroad, the study abroad agency with which I am now OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) Yes, dear reader, I officially have not only a grown up job in the field that I've been trying to get into (international education), but a GREAT job at that. CIS (Center for International Studies) has been on the frontier of education abroad for the past 10 years and is one of the most cutting edge, growing agencies in the industry. I'd been interviewing for the position of University Relations Rep for the Midwest and got the offer as the top candidate of over 100 applications! (wow!) So they flew me to Noho to tour the office, meet everyone, and officially sign the offer. It was amazing. Such a cool city, great coworkers, incredible organization. I feel so blessed. My post-college life seems to have finally begun. I'm so excited. I start in late July with a month of training in Colorado. :)

2. Boating/Tubing:
On Saturday I went with my friends Shaun, Aubrey, Katie Tracy, and Ray to Alum Creek to go boating and tubing...and it was INCREDIBLE! So much freakin fun!!! Let me tell you, it was like THE PERFECT DAY. Sunny, warm, and just laying on the boat sunbathing, listening to music, and then riding on the tube attached to the rope on the end of the boat, laughing and enjoying good friends...it was perfection. One of those, "wow, thank you God for this moment" kind of days. Life is good. :) (pics up on Facebook)

3. Memorial 3-Day Weekend:
I had probably the great 3-day weekend EVER. Starting with boating on Saturday, then Sunday and Monday hanging out with the whole group of friends over at our friends' John and Staci's house, it was just a weekend full of laughter and joy. Such a blessing to realize that you have such amazing friends in your life. It was truly great. What a journey. :)

"Attraversiamo"...

Attraversiamo, Italian for "Let's cross over", this was the last line in Eat Pray Love, the book I've been reading. Sunday night I stayed up and finished it. Wow. Incredible. I kept prolonging the end, reading the last few pages extra slowly, enjoying every last second of the journey. But I realized that my personal journey which began coincidentally the same time I began the book will continue long after I finish it.

This theme of "crossing over" has been prevelant through the book, and my life latley. Crossing over through Italy, my season of pleaure, enjoyment, simple utter contentment. Crossing through India, my time of seeking God, seeking devotion with Him and what it means to live and love. And then crossing over into Indonesia, into a revelation of BALANCE, what it means to balance being in this world of mine-my desires, my questions, my identity struggles - with my faith and my relationship with God. Principally the balance of feeling like I have to justify my faith because of my sexuality. It's an awful conflict feeling like your love for God and effort to live for Him is invalid now because you happen to wrestle with this one issue.

But it's a journey. And there's good days and bad ones. I'm just grateful that I've learned so much about myself and my life through journeying along with Elizabeth Gilbert on Eat Pray Love. It's been an amazing time reading that book, and the journey's only just begun...

Pleasure, Devotion, Balance

I feel like there's so much I'm still processing, so much I'm still sorting out on this new journey. I've got so much in my head but I don't know how to put into words, let alone on this blog. So here's what I've been thinking about most lately:

The parallel connections between my life and the book I'm reading, Eat Pray Love. (*see earlier post below*)

I've realized that my metaphorical Italy was last year, my final year of college at UE. Much like the author's time in Italy, for me it was a season of pleasure, of pure contentment, of simple enjoyment of life. Then Elizabeth Gilbert travels to India in pursuit of the divine. And that is where I am now. In India, seeking God, seeking out who He is and what it means to fall in love with Him again. I'm learning new things about myself, accepting new things. I'm in a season of revelation, of discovery. It's hard at times. But it's worth it.

And then comes Indonesia... that's where I'm at in the book right now. And I can see the application to my life already. Her time in Indonesia was in pursuit of balance; balance between worldly enjoyment and spiritual devotion. Although I'm in my India, for me it seems to intrinsically overlap in some ways with my metaphorical Indonesia. I'm in the middle of my pursuit of BALANCE; figuring out how to balance who I am, my identity, my sexuality-with my faith, my spiritual devotion and relationship with God. That complicated dichotomy is where I am right now. Yeah...this is gonna be a long journey...

Maybe someday...

I think I've spent most of my life running. Running from self-acceptance, self-worth, and affirmation and love from God and others. So afraid that someone might come to know anything about me at all. Running, day and night. Running. But days come, days like today, when I realize...I can't do it anymore. I won't. I can't run another step. But days like today, when I dare to show my brokenness, let the tears fall, and say "I don't understand this, but I just need someone to love me and let my tears fall on your shoulder", I see that it's worth it. To acknowledge that I am so lost and confused, but I'm trying. With ALL that I am, I'm trying and have been for 22 years. And I just needed someone to try, to try and believe in ME. That I don't have any of this figured out, but someday it will all come to an end, and until that day I'm going to live my life for God; not knowing what that looks like or even how to begin to understand that journey. But I'm trying. And to my dear friend who loved me enough today to be that shoulder, that loving hug, those words of love and affirmation...I THANK YOU. You will never know how much that heals. Thank you. You know who you are.

Driving home this morning, looking at the sky and the bright sunshine beaming down, I said to God, "I don't know the reasons why, I don't know the plan, I don't know the purpose, and let me tell you it SUCKS sometimes...but I thank you for who I am. And for my friend who loved me today. And I know that I'm not alone on this journey; You are here and always will be. I might not understand it or even like it at times, but I'm done hating myself. Done being ashamed. Done accepting the lie that I am a mistake. I'm not an accident, and I'm proud of the things in my personality and self make-up that make me special and different. YOU made me and LOVE me. And I accept who I am finally and embrace the man I am. And that's a complicated statement given the circumstances, but I'll leave that up to You. Just help me. Thank You. These temporary troubles and sufferings are preparing for us an eternal glory. Someday..."


"You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it's good to be someone

And maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now
And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
...someday"

A new start on an old journey...

I have begun a journey.

This journey has been 22 years in the making. Actually, I embarked on this journey quite a few times in the past 4 years, but quickly abandoned it due to difficulty, confusion, selfishness, hopelessness, or a sad combination of all of the above. And let me preface this now, dear reader, with the warning that this post might be painfully vague. That's because I have NO idea exactly what this journey is. Or where to. Or to what end. All I know is FROM WHERE it is. It is from HERE. It is from this place of settling, complacency, and unchanged life that I have been stuck in for, oh, about the past 20 years. I came to the day recently when I looked in the mirror, examining myself and my life, and said "So, how's it going? How's is going, REALLY?" And the man in the mirror answered back, "it's going...NOWHERE." Needless to say, I sat there and cried, for about 20 minutes. And yes, for all those fellow "Eat Pray Love" readers out there, I cried ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR. If there ever was a moment of pure, dire, intense revelation that you have become a pitiful, hopeless mess of a human being, THAT was it.

So, where does one go from there? Well, firstly to the freezer to get a pint of ice cream to binge my sorrows away... but then secondly I realized I should go to God. Yeah, that "God" guy. He always does seem to creep into my heart when I find myself flooding the floor with tears (which is a surprisingly common occurrence in my life). So I had a very frank talk with God. It went something like this:

Me: God, hey. So I've been putting this conversation off for a little bit."
Dang Holy Spirit convicting me: "Just a little bit?..."
Me: "Okay geez, for A WHILE."
God: "*smirking* that's better."
Me: "Seriously God, this is NOT funny."
God: "Why are you coming to Me now?"
Me: "I don't know who I am. Or where my life is going. And I'm so tired of walking around and feeling like my life is one giant question mark. One giant ball of confusion and chaos. I know I've ran from You and ran from total surrender, but I'm ready to try something new. I'm ready to try and give You my WHOLE heart for once. I just don't even know what this journey will look like, what I need to do, I'm so lost. Geez, I feel lost even on my journey to finding myself. How sad is that..."
God: "I understand. Just go on the journey. GO. I'll lead you one step at a time. Welcome."

So here I am. I'm taking on this revolutionary idea to surrender my fears, my dreams, my sins, my utter confusion with who I am, and the death grip I have on my comfortable, selfish, seemingly-good-but-actually-falling-completely-apart-at-the-seams life. Yeah, talk about a journey.

Many moments on this journey have been and will be me face-down on the floor seeking God. Crying out to Him and seeking Him to transform my mind, heart, and desires. I need to return to my First Love. I always knew I was holding onto some things in my life, but I could never even begin to fathom how to release them, how to live without them. I've always been jealous of those dang Christians with simple lives. You know, those ones who've never experienced a true metaphysical crisis which plagues them their entire life and provokes a deep inner conflict of faith and humanity. Yeah... welcome to my life. It's never been easy being me. But I always took pride in that I feel its made me stronger. But I want my faith to be simple. I mean, I want to be able to simply say "God is more than enough, He gives freedom, He is everything, and nothing else matters. So I'll let go of all my baggage and live in that freedom." But it's never been that easy. But this is my new journey. Of actually giving God the chance to show me that He IS those things. That it CAN be that way. I guess I never realized I didn't have the faith to believe it. Deep down I didn't believe God really COULD do all that for me. Huh.

Yesterday as I was reading "Eat Pray Love" I realized that I am in India. The peverbial "India" of Eat Pray Love. The season of life where one seeks newfound devotion, intimacy with the divine. I connect so well to that book because my life mirrors it so completely. Much like the author's journey from Italy to India, a year ago I was in my "Italy". It was college. A time of contentment, pleasure, simplicity, and joy. And now I'm in "India". A grueling time, yet one which will bring forth a renewal beyond what I can imagine.

So I'm emabarking on a new way of thinking, a new way of living, a new way of letting go. *deep breath* Here goes nothing...

Γύρο Από Τ' Όνειρο!

Debut of new Greek album from Elena Paparizou!
Ντεμπούτο του νέου άλμπουμ της 'Ελενας Παπαρίζου!

Όπως ο καθένας ξέρει, είμαι ο μεγαλύτερος ανεμιστήρας της 'Ελενας Παπαρίζου στον κόσμο, και αντλούμαι για την απελευθέρωση του τέταρτου ελληνικού λευκώματός της, Γύρο Από Τ'Oνειρο. Είναι ένα μίγμα λαϊκού, του βράχου, του εθνικού, και μουσικού ύφους techno. Και ΤΟ ΑΓΑΠΩ! Προτεινω των τραγουδιων "Φιλαρακια", "Ονειρο" "Ψαχνω Την Αληθεια" και "Αν Ησουνα Αγαπη". Αν επαν ενδιαφερόμενος στη δοκιμή της ξένης μουσικής, εγω το συστήνει τα ελληνικά, και το συστήνει τη 'Ελενα Παπαρίζου!

As everyone knows, I am the biggest fan of Elena Paparizou in the world, and I am pumped about the release of her fourth Greek album, Γύρο Από Τ' Όνειρο ("Around The Dream"). It is a mix of pop, rock, ethnic, and techno style. And I LOVE it! I recommend the songs: "Φιλαρακια" (Friends), "Ονειρο" (Dream) "Ψαχνω Την Αληθεια" (Looking For Truth) and "Αν Ησουνα Αγαπη" (If You Were Love). If you're interested in trying out foreign music, I'd recommend Greek, and I'd recommend Elena!

Humanity, there is hope for you yet...

Just a short post to proclaim that there is, indeed, still hope for humanity.

Just when you get bogged down at work, emotionally abused on the phone by rude, ruthless people, and you begin to lose hope in the future of humankind...you interact with a kind soul who reminds you that YES, there is hope still for humanity.

I just had such an interaction with a lovely Mexican family (the Duarte family). Let me tell you, there is nothing like a fun, kind, energetic latino family to lift your spirits. ;) There was nothing super extravagant about the conversation we had, it just blessed me to recieve a smile, a "thank you" (well, we spoke in Spanish, so it was a "muchas gracias"), and a sense that there still are genuinely good people in this world. And I am reminded how God has wired me to work cross-culturally; that He has called me to operate in such a setting, to serve others using foreign language, and that it blesses me like nothing else to be able to cross that cultural and linguistic border and show someone that I truly care about them and their family.

Gracias a TI Señor Duarte. :)

Eat. Pray. Love.

"One woman's search for everything across Italy, India and Indonesia." This is the premise of a book that you might not think I'd relate or connect particularly deeply with. au contraire... About two weeks ago my friend Jenni bought me this book, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. And let's just say that it is possibly the best book I've EVER read.

On almost every page I laugh, I cry, I reminisce, I FEEL. I love her thought process, her humor, her sense of self and search for...well, for EVERYTHING. I'm glad to know that someone else has been on that search other than me. Eat Pray Love follows the journey of Elizabeth Gilbert, a renowned New York writer who had a successful career, luxurious home, and marriage, but loses it all and begins an around-the-world journey to Italy, India and Indonesia in search of herself, God and other great mysteries of life. Set against the backdrop of 3 different cultures, Elizabeth searches to examine 3 different aspects of her nature: pleasure in Italy, devotion in India, and the balance of the two in Indonesia.

There are so many things I've learned already from this book, so many things that have made me laugh, tear up, etc. But I'll post only an example or two of each instance:

LAUGH:

"And, oh, the woes that traveling has inflicted on my digestive tract! In Lebanon I became so explosively ill one night that I could only imagine I'd contracted a Middle Eastern version of the Ebola virus. In Hungary, I suffered from an entirely different kind of bowel affliction, which changed forever the way I feel about the term "Soviet Bloc". But I have other bodily weaknesses, too. My back gave out on my first day of traveling in Africa, I was the only member of my party to emerge from the jungles of Venezuela with infected spider bites, and I ask of you - I beg of you! - who gets sunburned in Stockholm?! Really!?"

"Believe me, I am fully aware of the irony of going to Italy in pursuit of pleasure during a period of self-imposed celibacy. But I do think abstinence is the right thing for me at the moment. I was especially sure of it the night I could hear my upstairs neighbor having the longest, loudest, flesh-smackingest, bed-thumpingest, back-breakingest session of lovemaking I'd ever heard. This slam-dance went on for well over an hour, complete with hyperventilating sound effects and wild animal calls. I lay there only one floor below, alone and tired in my bed, and all I could think was, 'That sounds like an awful lot of work...'"

CRY:

"What I write in my journal tonight is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I'm scared they will never leave. I say that I don't want to take the drugs anymore, but I'm frightened I will have to. I'm terrified that I will never really pull my life together. In response, a voice, something from within me arose and whispered to me: "I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. No matter how you fall and fail, I will love you through that. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness, and nothing will ever exhaust me."

So basically I am loving this book. Loving the journey. I can so relate, and I feel like in so many ways I am in the exact same place, the exact same season of life that she was in when she wrote it. Well, EXCEPT for the fact that I'm stuck in central Ohio and she spent 4 months of her journey in Italy eating amazing food and surrounded by ridiculously beautiful people. jealous... But still, I'm loving the journey.

Farewell

Sitting alone in a quiet, still room. A candle and a lamp lightly illuminate a soft glow around the dark room. Dark, clear night sky. Soft music playing, the words seem to pierce right to my heart. I slowly fall to the floor, wrap my arms around myself and a blanket -my sole companion this night- and overcome by...by what I don't know. By something, and a tear begins to fall.

-Something feels different tonight. Life seems different. Is it just me? Reflecting on my journey, I feel like I can almost see what's ahead -if I close my eyes just a little tighter... almost there... Yet at the same time it seems so distant. Was everything I've been through meant to bring me to this time, to this moment. Why does everything seem just as elusive as back then? Is this what I'm meant for, what I'm meant to become? Why do I feel so alone and lost during these moments? I wish I knew how to quit you...


"Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long 'cause
I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you danced with me

So farewell my love
'Cause I was wrong I guess
Farewell, so long
'Cause I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you sing with me

I never asked you for
A sailboat in the yard
Or that fancy dress to wear
Or a ceiling made of stars
And all I got was just this
Broken heart from you"

[Rosie Thomas - Farewell]

"A turning point?" *REVISITED*

So, I was urged by several people to revisit my previous post "A turning point?" and maybe talk a little more about it. Apparently it was "too deep", "too vague".

Well, processing it a little more, in retrospect I think part of what I mainly wanted to communicate was that I'm just tired of seeing the Body of Christ invalidate, demean, and diminish the legitimacy of hurt, struggle, pain, LIFE. Christians love labels. We love to place big fat stickers on people and issues that say simply: "RIGHT", "WRONG", "YOU LOSE", or "WE WIN". They love to win arguments. To be right. And in doing so completely embody the antithesis of Jesus' approach to people. He came in "grace and truth". Seems to me like we're a little heavy on the "truth" and a little light with the "grace".

I'm just saying that people, issues, and life are more complex than the Body says they are. As one who lives amidst the complexity, I can say that it's time everyone else legitimizes the fact that there IS gray area. There is an in between place. And for God sake, it's time everyone stops cloaking their judgment, pointing fingers, and refusal to even try listening to the other side of the argument with that classic guise "oh, well the Bible is clear on this issue." Since when did the Bible nullify compassion?

I've met some amazing people lately. People who love God, and are trying to live for Him. But they're also people that a vast number of Christians would shy away from, would rebuke without first showing love and compassion simply because they DON'T UNDERSTAND them and their issue. -and their lack of understanding manifests into fear, and fear into righteous indignation. Call me a radical, but I believe Jesus would have more of an issue with THOSE people than with the ones they're judging.

And can we PLEASE actually have a courageous conversation about all this? I mean seriously, so often we start discussing and then the other side goes, "oh this is just too uncomfortable, too "deep". You just need to pray more or something..." -REALLY?! Are we just afraid that we MIGHT have to perhaps admit being wrong, admit there's more than the surface level?

I don't know. These are just my thoughts...

A turning point?...

"They never tell you, truth is subjective.
They only tell you, not to lie.
They never tell you, there's strength in vulnerability.
They only tell you, not to cry.
They never tell you, you don't need to be ashamed.
They only tell you, to deny.
I'm finding something else to learn..."

-Gary Jules "Something Else"

I think if I waited any longer to write this post I was going to explode. Way too much on my mind and no time to decompartmentalize. I've had such an interesting past 2 weeks; so much happening in my life. So many new thoughts, questions, queries, confusion. I've felt very "in a fog" for much of these past 2 weeks. But at the same time, so much does seem clear. And there have been so many amazing moments, too.

As my last post describes, I've found a new community. New friends. And I love it. I truly do. They are wonderful, amazing people who love God and are trying to live for Him in this crazy life. Together we saw the film "Lord, Save Us From Your Followers". And wow, I was BLOWN AWAY. It's an incredible film for both Christians and non-Christians; but honestly, I think that Christians are the ones really in need of seeing it in some ways. It was about how the Gospel of Love is diving America. The "Culture War" between "conservative Christians" and the "godless liberal leftists" and issues like abortion, gay marriage, church and state, and poverty. It was EYE-OPENING, CONVICTING, CHALLENGING, HURTFUL, AND ENCOURAGING. So many incredible interviews and quotes (I was trying to remember EVERYTHING Tony Campolo said; it was profound). It's just got me thinking about a lot. Here's some great quotes from it:

>"It's too easy to sit back and criticize things you don't know about and much more difficult to search for truth - and, yes, I'm applying that to myself first."

>"And when I realized all my objections were fear-based, I tried to talk my mind into believing that there was something to this I just didn't understand yet...and the fear must be confronted. Maybe I'd understand later, but staying home because I was afraid of the unknown, afraid of the adventure, or really, afraid of what God might be trying to teach me, would not be acceptable."

>"Our tendency to reduce the gospel of Jesus to a couple of isolated issues, our willingness to oversimplify this complex life just so we can be right and win an argument is, as a smart person would say, antiethical to Jesus' teachings."

>"In First John it talks about how Jesus came in "truth and grace". Seems like we might be a little heavy on the "truth" and a little light with the "grace"."

>"It's hard to know what God's will is for us because our will kind of likes to run the show."

>"The only thing strident arrogance is good for is hardening hearts, fostering resentment, and creating animosity."

Secondly, I've been having so many of those moments where you're just in awe of what your life has become. Like, hanging out with these new friends, having amazing late-night vulnerable conversation, and driving home listening to music like Rosie Thomas - "All My Life" and Gary Jules - "Something Else", and thinking to myself, "wow, this is my moment. this is my life. how did i get here? what is to come of these new questions, new insights, new journey?... I don't know, but I do know that I do enjoy this. I love this journey, no matter how hard or confusing it is. And although I sometimes (or often times) don't understand God, myself, or my life, I will choose to live amidst the fog."

What's up with me and having these random 20s life crises?... Hmm. I just have realized some things about life. About people. And about myself. I'm not sure how I feel about it all yet, but I can't deny what I have learned is truth. Some people won't see it that way, but that's because it's not their reality. They'll never fully know. So, what lies ahead? Good question. I don't know. And I'm starting to not care. To not care about perceptions, persona, image, or a fantasized fairytale ending that I honestly don't see coming. I don't know...

"I've been waiting all my life,
Waiting for you to come.
I've been traveling and wandering
Alone on my own for too long.
I swear I tried to convince myself
It would be much easier being alone.
But after running circle after circle
I'm tired of being on my own.
I've been waiting all my life..."

-Rosie Thomas "All My Life"

That verse from that song really paints a clear picture of a lot of what I'm thinking and trying to get across, I think. I wonder if this will just be another one of those nights I write something like this and look back on it one year, two years, ten years from now and think: "huh, that was just a phase. just a weird night. now i'm here, passed that." --or is it more than that? is this a turning point? I guess we'll see...

Oh, the joy of community

So there's been some cool new developments in my life. Through my friend and coworker Sally I came to meet a new friend named David. Everyone had always said how we were so weirdly alike, and so we met up one night and hung out. It was awesome. I had such a good time, and it felt like the beginning of a fun new friendship. He invited me to come with him last night to a 20-somethings small group bible study. I decided it would be a good opportunity to meet some ladies (oh, and learn about Jesus) lol jk. Haha, I really had been praying about and DESPERATELY needing to establish a new community in my life. Since graduating college and leaving my tight-knit community of friends in InterVaristy Christian Fellowship, I had been missing out on that sense of accountability, encouragement, fun, and laughter. Plus I just really felt alone. I'm kind of lame and a loner contrary to popular belief that I'm cool. lol. I mean, I am cool. But that's for another post at another time... wow, can you tell I'm spacey this morning; I got a whole 4 hours of sleep last night.

Anyway, focusing now.... um, so I managed to find my way to his house where they were having the small group, despite mapquest lying to me. And long story short, it was an AWESOME night! It was so great to hang out with other Christian 20-somethings. I needed to be around others who are in the same season of life as me. I needed that life affirmation and reciprocity. I love the word "reciprocity"; it's fun to say. Go ahead, say it.... see, wasn't that fun?! Okay, focusing again.... And this was SO cool -the guy who led the bible study.....WE WENT TO THE SAME MENS GYMNASTICS ACADEMY BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I walked in and was like, "man, you look so familiar, have we met?" And then it clicked. It was SO random! Like, SO random! I hadn't seen him since 2004! I felt like God had led me to that group that night. And the bible study was really good, and convicting. It was on coveting. Very timely for my life I soon realized. I got a lot out of it.

After it was over I stayed and watched American Idol with David. We had so much fun critiquing the contestants and cheering on our favorites. (and seeing the Glee promos that aired during the commercial breaks! :) And laughing at how David and I really are twins, to the point that we were saying the same things at the same time. lol Oh, and I did share with him my distaste (okay, utter hatred) for cheese. And I'm sure he now thinks I'm a total creeper. lol

So in summary, I got a taste of the joy of community again. And how sweet it was. :) Thank you Lord for new friends and the joy of community.

Thoughts from Revelation 2:

So here are some of my thoughts from yesterday's church service. The sermon was on Revelation 2 and the spirit of Jezebel. A lot of talk has been given to this "Jezebel" --who she was and how she and her followers inhibited the health of the early Church. Here's what it comes down to: "I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first. Nevertheless, I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophet. By her teaching she misleads my servants..." [Revelation 2:19-20]

This was my revelation: God knew the deeds, the good works of the early Church; He knew that they loved God, yet they were compromising. They were settling for spiritual mediocrity. They had idols. They had sin. And they were okay with it. They thought because they loved God and did have good deeds that that somehow canceled out the sin in their life that they were tolerating. And that's when I put down my donut, coffee, and popped my head up from my almost-nodding out slumber. THAT IS ME. I love God and have good works and intentions, but I'm tolerating sin. Accepting its place in my life. And I can't be that person. I won't. I desire to be so much more, to not be a statistic Christian -you know, one of those statistics in those Christian magazines that says "so-and-so percent of Christians say it's okay to... *fill in the blank*."

It's time to take a stand for righteousness. To say NO MORE. And although releasing the control that "tolerating spirit" has on you is hard -and often times just SUCKS- it is what we are called to do. THAT is taking up your cross. Crosses are supposed to be heavy and hard and give you splinters. Who lied to us 20-somethings in the American Church and said that our cross would be light, fluffy, and marshmallowy? And when did we start believing them? It's time we take back truth. I for one am. You in?

"Ray"

Two days ago I met a young guy named Ray. He is from Indiana. And he is homeless. He came into my YMCA looking for a place to stay for the night; he thought the Y was a shelter. He walked 200 miles to get to Columbus. Yes, you read that right -200. He got a ride from several truckers, but walked most of the way. He has a friend who lives here, so that's why he came to Columbus. He walked with a limp now because of a lasting cramp that came upon him after such a rigorous trek. By the end of the day he told me that meeting me was a changing day for him. I think it was ME who was changed...

I spend the last hour of my shift online looking up shelters and people who could help him out, and then on the phone calling places and talking with various people. As I worked to help connect him with organizations that worked with the homeless and helped them find work and get back on their feet, I listened to him share his life story with me. It was fascinating. It was eye-opening, and it was humbling. He was such a good guy who just needed a break. He'd been through a lot in his life. I ended up connecting with a director at Faith Mission, and at the end of my shift I offered to drive him downtown and find the office. Before heading out, we ended up sitting in my car and talking for another 30 minutes about life, God, girls, and the future.

I ended up finding the office on S. 6th street downtown (which was an act of God since I always get lost downtown and end up turning the wrong way on a one-way) lol. I went in and talked to the directors, cuz I thought a YMCA employee vouching for him might get him more attention. It worked. Ray probably didn't know, but I was praying for God to work something out since the minute he walked up to the desk and said, "hi, my name is Ray, and I'm homeless and need some help." And God moved. And as I was in the building, I got to talk to many other people struggling with homelessness and poverty. It was an extremely impactful experience. Talking with them, sharing stories, united in our mutual humanity. It was special. And in that moment there was no me and them, no separation of social status or economic standing - there was HUMAN. And we were ONE. And it was beautiful.

I talked to Ray twice on the phone since that night, and he has reconnected with his friend and is doing alright. And he even got a job interview and had me listed as one of his contact references -because as he told me: "I don't know anyone, and I don't have any friends here or at home. I only have you, Nick." Wow. I am his only friend. And I've known him for only several hours. I was challenged to love more deeply that night; to truly love like Jesus. And I learned that as I loved Ray like Jesus would have, I not only ended up giving him food and shelter, but hope, laughter (which he said he hadn't smiled in days. another "wow" moment), and friendship. I still think it was ME who truly gained from that night, and who was truly changed...

GLEE Season 2 here I come!!

FOX just announced that it's confirmed 'Glee' for a second season and is looking to fill 3 new cast spots. They are doing an online open casting call for anyone 18-26; professional or complete amateur. And yes, you guessed it, I'M AUDITIONING! :) My gleekly dreams are coming true! Look for me in season 2! Wish me luck! :)

My return to the blog.

Hello blog. How I missed you. Sorry for the long absence; I was encouraged by my friend to keep up the blog after I told her I was thinking of dropping it. But I realize that I do really enjoy it. It's therapeutic. So, here's my thoughts:

Keep an eye open for "The Chronicles of Jicholas", a written collection of all the randomly hilarious moments me and Jenni have had. SO much good stuff to put in there. :) Love it. Had an amazing weekend with her and Ty. Watched Glee, talked, goofed off, made funny videos which will be uploaded to facebook any minute now. Good times.

Worship was great this Sunday. Loved ending with the song "I Am Free" and seeing the church body rejoicing. It encouraged me since I had been praying for more unity and togetherness in my church lately. God is good and has a plan for us! Excited to see what's ahead. Also, loving my new devotional, "Daily Devotions from Proverbs for Men" Really getting a lot out of it, and it's cool how it's written by men for men. Very cool. Also realized that I love having quiet time with God at night more than in the morning. The morning is great, but I'm much more lucid at night, and I find that the quiet of the night mixed with some great soft worship music (usually Hillsong) helps me connect more. Love the stillness of God's presence at night. Nothing better.

Last note, learned a lot about relationship lately. Maintaining healthy friendships is a full time job. And it can be messy, because people are broken and bring their baggage into relationships (including me for sure). But it's amazing to love someone and see them learning to love as well. Trusting in God to move in my relationships in 2010.

Well, that's all for now. Be blessed, my friends and faithful blog followers. Until next time, stay gleeful! ;)